Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Paralyzed

My silence
My shriek
My violence
My peace
My laughter 
Or my tears
Is all me

Defined and moulded
By the comfort 
By the environment
By the people
By the understanding


May be i am weak. But at times i just want to leave every bondage, A thought everyone gets once or twice or may be more often.


Chatterbox, agressive.

Yet i cannot speak, or convince or explain.
When i am really hurt, I chose silence over everything.
When i am really angry, I chose violence over everything. Voilence with words. Wrong words. Words i don't mean.
When someone misunderstands, I chose hurt over explanation.


Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Reticent

I remember the time exactly , which inflicted this dread for this day. It wasnt anything huge. Yet i dont understand the effects of it that hasnt faded away, being more worse with passing year. My composition, my thoughts, my behaviour everything shouts for SOS.

To wish you were never born, to wish you never existed, the self realization of no worthy achievement, the realization of a life that has been useless. 

I wish i could erase this day from my life. I dread the phone calls, the texts of a "happy birthday" wish. A year gone with no self satisfying achievement. I am where i was years from today. The same nagging, the same ......

Loathe. 
Hate.

Why so?


I am bound. 


I cannot change i cannot choose. I cannot explain.


I cannot console.


I cannot forget. 

Could i forgive?
Whom? 
Myself? Why?
For my laziness.


Monday, December 5, 2016

Ghandruk's shades

Starry skies
Some shine yellow bright
Some are dim white
Some have form shapes
While some are companionless

Pitch dark the night is
Black shades form fifty
Tapping water from the tank or tap
From Far away comes the sound of dancing beck
Around are mutli colored flowers
And are around huts so pretty

Across the bare field standing alone
Yet companies me a dog erraticly barking


Now i start feeling the cold 
Shivering through my spine
Some hiker are already deep asleep
While some are commiting fun crimes
And Some I hear whispering as i walk past 


Barks of dog and overflowing water 
Sounds of river and the cold windy dark night
Shivering i go to sleep, turns are cold 
And awake is my sleep


Its early morning
Pitch dark changes by time its shades
Taking deep breathe of air so cold
I open my eyes to a view of gold
Machaphhuchre and annapurna 3
Reflectig sunlight from it golden acme



-ghandruk 2016 11:55 pm 3rd december, 4th december 6:00 am

Friday, September 16, 2016

Confusing wings

 I look at mirror 
Somedays i look pretty
Is there a mirror to look through me?
If there was a mirror to see one's heart
Somedays mine would be ugly


Because i laugh too loud, threaten everyone around
Yet with so much noise
Can't express my friendship 
I joke when i shouldn't
I joke when noone is doing so
And when joking is everyone's cue
Serious talk takes me through

I confuse myself with own's action
What i say, what i do, what i feel and worse are the viewer's reaction
Lol, but i am doing anything but laughing
"Were you awake all night? Hahaha lol"
But i wasnt being apathetic

So hard to explain, i am not an ignorant
So much it means, the relation of good friendship
I can't explain either, i am an ignorant
At times i don't reply because thats my condition
A condition of wanting to be alone
When cloistered are your emotions
I can't explain that i am not an ignorant

Forgive me friend, i hurt you too many times
Weird is this girl, driven by crazier madness
Can't xplain to you what i mean when i  say it
Nor can i explain what i don't mean when i say it

I pray you see past my flaws
Cherish our memories and moments
Count me amongst your dear friends
See through my dark ugly beautiful heart's reflection

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Human Inhumane


She was a black cat. Pregnant at that unfortunate moment. Being black, was that her mistake? A witch as people often like to call to one similar to her.  Or the fact she lived with us? Who knows but those decent people? Why? Such a hideous act? I don’t know. Her bones in the back were broken, her unborn kittens fell off her womb, eating was a far-fetched story she couldn’t event excrete. It wasn’t enough until on another unfortunate day someone murdered her. And to this day it comes, again those little speechless (or at least a speech we devious human don’t deserve to understand), innocent little kitten of mine were attacked. He wasn’t black in colour! Oh no. But he limbs today. I can’t allay his pain or his fear. He is scared to come near to any human. He doesn’t understand.

God help me, may I never crave for someone’s flesh. No I don’t believe to ever be served justice from this society but if karma exist! Oh I want to curse, my heart is pained, but my ethics don’t teach me so. God help those decent people if karma only exist. I pray god, you don’t give them the same fate as my BLACK cat was served and my lil kitten is having for there is a difference in me and them. I would rather be accused then be called equal among them. I don’t expect solace, I only seek my heart’s desire to write this. For words are all I’ve got, I don’t know how to perform such an act of drama or to fake at such great levels. For I have endured it since I was also in my mother’s womb. But no complains because I never learnt to seek solace among this society. God bless us all. Give us good, show us good, make us pass the good sweet lord.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Darkness prevails

Depression.
Its a serious disease.
And has to be treated. 
A friend of mine had discussed about it with me a long time ago. She told me that like our physical wound, our mentail illness has to be treated too. Its not madness. Its normal.

How to recognize depression?
I dont know. There are lots of research and papers we can read online. And we can also schedule ourself an appointment. There are even apps and test to help us indentify depression.

Today i want to share my story briefly.
All so i can fight my current state too.

I dont know what depression is. I dont know what my current state is. 
But i can feel so much of negativity inside of me. I took a test and i got a mild score. I know if i stay for few more days like this, my state will get worse.
I skipped futsal. And i skipped swimming. And i stayed alone these two days. And my condition has only gotten worse by now.

And as worse it gets, as worse i make. I dont talk to anyone. I dont eat. I sleep the whole time. My mind is busy processing my thoughts. I question my existence. I question my importance. I start to dismiss all the people as failures. My friends and their absence starts to fuel up my dismissal of them. I become so negative and rude that if someone is talking to me they will end up absorbing my negativity too. You can try telling people you are having a bad day and to let be. But its hard to find anyone who will understand. Thats when things get harder and worsens.
This has happened to me before. If i stay alone , if i am not out there busy in stuffs, this whole negativity thing catches me.
You know its all wrong but its so hard to escape it. The weight feels so real. 
I recently lost my cat too. Somebody hit her, making her lose her unborn kittens and few days after she left home and havent returned: probably dead. Its been a month or more now. May be thats why after a really long time i am going through this state. May be if my cat was home i would have felt way better. I know so because i, only few hours ago, heard a kid's voice though for only few seconds, and instanly it lightened me only to be covered with those dark dark vibes again later.

No, this things dont happen becase of a break up, job loss or anything. Its a trigger and probably needs no reason. 
But exercise, activity and out with friends and family helps. I tried to go out today but i failed myself. I skipped.

And so i am writing all of this. 
Be strong.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Days of life

Lifeless am i?
Laying down
On my bed
I cant move
I can see
I cant hear
Thoughts have conjested

A cup of tea i ask
Nd a bed to sleep
And let me live in peace
12 inch washing tub
Placed in my bedroom 
I have shame but had no washroom
So let me live in peace

So the other day i text ya know?
My bunch of people
I tell em am tensed got some problem at work
Ya know they were tensed equally?
Alas not a lil trace of it for me , shoot.

Why are you scared? Did you do something wrong?
Am only human, too much on my mind, you only add to my pain


Oh my mother don't know
But she has nothing to worry about
She asks me to help her
But i cant move a feet
She is tired of physical pain
I am tired of my thoughts


At nights i awoke, there was a fight i had to win
Asked for help
And now the enemy is butchering me
My body lies in my bed
Lifeless
I cant move a feet
I can only see
My heart is so heavy
Weaving thoughts and weeping salt
But Am not hungry
Plunging into darkness
I have lost the will
Can I get up?
Can i move my feet?
Why am i so heavy?





Monday, June 6, 2016

Everyday without you

Feelings,
I feel the love i have for you is immense.
Feelings,
I feel not i have need of you in life though.
Feelings,
I feel the strong desire to see you in person.

Emotions,
So much of warm emotions that wants to wrap you up in my arm.
Emotions,
A little bit of anger for you being lost, i no not where you hide.
Emotions,
A little bit of pain, for the distance is so big in miles and in bond.

I could only close my eyes
And think of you near me
I could only close my eyes
And wish to dream of you in my sleep
Is this madness or obsession 
I cannot tell
Are you already gone?
Why are you not here?
Why am i here?
Why is there so much distance
Why am i without you
Breathing, alive and leaving
Yet with the feel of you missing
Like all i have could be more defined
My each smile, each laughter,
Every sadness, every success and 
Every failure 
wants your comfort and touch
Help me see life from your eyes
I havent forgotten your voice
My truth are becoming lies
Our truth is becoming a fiction
Like a chapter from a novel i am reciting

I love you immensely , i like to feel
I need the need to need you , i like to feel
The emotion of holding you, i want to behold
My beloved , dont make us a fairytale


Cause my feelings feel the love i have for you is immense
Everyday i wait,
Everyday i am patient
I am not lost , dont want to be lost
I hope of us ,i think of us
Lets us not die , my dear
Cause my feelings feel the love  i have for you is too immense

Monday, May 16, 2016

Overwhelming emotions

Rolling drops,
Roll down the cheeks
Keep talking blatantly
So its the only sound you hear
Keep laughing loud
Too loud for everyone
So shame is the only emotion you feel

Lost looking at everyone around
Do they go home to lose hope everytime
Wondering if they are hiding 
Drops within their smile
Because rich is powerful
And drama is the winner
Who listens to cries 
Not reaching to their ears?

Weak is me, weaker it makes me
Sometimes I lose it, hardly contained patience
Lost are all hopes
Lost are all the battles

And worse is when.....
When you lose all the balance
Crazy you go
Shattered is how it feels
For lost is the balance
Emotionally, spiritually
Agitated and irritated,
Restless the mind is
The heinous depressing disease
 Taking you into abyss


For worse is when ,
When lost are all the hopes.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Scattering Friendship

Pass the traffic lights
Pass the chanting  voices
Pass the road side night lights
Buildings i pass
Junctions i pass
Dark is the night
Winning chants i hear
Dark is the night
Lighting strikes
Thunderless is the black gray sky
My thoughts travel pass the mammatus sky
Wonders its way through my mind
Off it goes ,boundary less space it finds
Off goes my mind
For off goes to everywhere ,my friends
East west north and south
My friends are everywhere
Yet noone by my side
I got friends everywhere
So why alike cloistered is life?


Poor is the country
Rich are the folks
And off they go
Pass the TIA
To another place
Scattering everywhere
My country men and women

For all i desire today
To see my folks in person
No virtual reality will do
No long phone calls will do
And the question pops in my head
Why we have to move? 
Good were those days of school
All my folks were in the same room
And now i hum in one 
While they be singing in another tune


Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Having a Big Sister, What's it like?

Today is my sister's birthday. And as a kid once i did try giving her all my gifts and toys. Back then that was the most I could do. I was wondering what special could I do for her birthday today to make it a little more special? Why don't I just write how it feels to have her in and have had her in my life?
Below are the few things about having a big sister that i relate to:

1. Dancing partner.
As a kid, we, oops nope , she choreographed so many songs and made all the little kids to dance on her steps. Anyone remember the "Fulchowki ko dada muni godawari bana" song dance?

2. Doing things she did.
Having started watching football because she did. The whole lot of movies that we have watched together. The exercising we did together. Following up a celebrity or an athlete because she did.

3. Ultimate stylist.
 I never bought a dress as a kid, unless  my sister approved of them. NEVER. EVER. She was my stylist.

4. Learning morals and good deeds.
 My sister always taught me to be polite and kind. Although we fought a lot and used swear words, at the end of the day she always said these words "Conquer hate not with hate but love". Every new year or dashain, she passed greeting cards to the whole bunch of her friends and school mates, and so did I. She believed (and still believes) in wishing everyone on their birthday,in making it special and so I did too. Her common phrase "May I be able to wish you even in your 100th birthday so I could also live longer".

5. Fighting for the phone and the dial-up internet.
 There was always a rule with her: she could make as many calls as she wanted, she could use the dial-up as much as she wanted but me !!! Nope I would get a beating if I did. And the fights for the phone? If any one of us was on the phone, we just wanted the other to hang up to save the bill. And disturbing the other person while on phone? Well I guess that was only me.

6. Being popular in school because of her.
 Teachers knew me as "Reshma ko baini" and so did so many of the school children. Yeah yeah I was popular for my own reasons too (like for my weird crazy laugh). Nevertheless she did improve my otherwise tainted popularity for crazy laughter.

7. She is your guardian.
 Having a big sister gives you an extra protective feeling that you wouldn't get from anyone else. She cares for you, takes care of you, love you unconditionally. Like the mother love and father love, you get sister love so pure and out of this world. Also to add she is someone you can look up to , someone to rely on always.

8. NOT to forget the whole bunch of extra wardrobe.
The most amazing thing is the extra wardrobe you get. Wearing her new clothes before she does, fitting in her jeans, shoes and tees, what an amazing and awe-awe-some advantage. WOhooooo.

9. Secret keeper
 Any friend of yours, even your parents might share your secret but she wont. You can be your true self and she wont judge you.  You don't judge each other. That's how it is with sisters.


10. Someone you are always proud of.

You never tell this to your sister but you always have been proud of her. Be it her excellent speaking skills, hosting skills, managing skills, dancing skills, her bravery , her small to big accomplishments you are one proud sister.


Here  I go folks a small list of many things about having a big sister. I love you my devil sister despite what I say or have had said like "I will smash your head in a big big big pot". Happiest birthday.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Old and sick



Could i close my eyes and think of us
Old and weak
Old and sick
Stupid and dumb
Lazy and not plumb
Grumpy you or grumpy me?
Both of us wrinkly?

Could you close your eyes and think of us?
No tooth to spare 
Or black pair of hair 
Cant move too fast
Or laugh too hard
Our brown eyes
that's become so grey

Of the time i speak
When I am not pretty ,
Our brain is slow
And you are not smart
Yet will i love you,
Will i love you enough?
Will you hold my old hands?
Will you love me enough?
For i aint pretty and 
You are not smart
Will we love us?
Will we love us enough?

For, this is the time
I will need you by my side
As growing is the deafness
And plummeting is our sight
Will you help me walk the stairs?
As I help you read the paper
We complain and take our medicines
We laugh and play with little kids
We forget, forget and keep forgetting
Yet everyday you kiss me good morning


And even in the darkest days of our life
I pray we shine
With love so pure
and life lived to the fullest