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Paralyzed

My silence My shriek My violence My peace My laughter  Or my tears Is all me
Defined and moulded By the comfort  By the environment By the people By the understanding

May be i am weak. But at times i just want to leave every bondage, A thought everyone gets once or twice or may be more often.

Chatterbox, agressive.
Yet i cannot speak, or convince or explain. When i am really hurt, I chose silence over everything. When i am really angry, I chose violence over everything. Voilence with words. Wrong words. Words i don't mean. When someone misunderstands, I chose hurt over explanation.

Reticent

I remember the time exactly , which inflicted this dread for this day. It wasnt anything huge. Yet i dont understand the effects of it that hasnt faded away, being more worse with passing year. My composition, my thoughts, my behaviour everything shouts for SOS.
To wish you were never born, to wish you never existed, the self realization of no worthy achievement, the realization of a life that has been useless. 
I wish i could erase this day from my life. I dread the phone calls, the texts of a "happy birthday" wish. A year gone with no self satisfying achievement. I am where i was years from today. The same nagging, the same ......
Loathe.  Hate.
Why so?

I am bound. 

I cannot change i cannot choose. I cannot explain.

I cannot console.

I cannot forget. 
Could i forgive? Whom?  Myself? Why? For my laziness.

Ghandruk's shades

Starry skies Some shine yellow bright Some are dim white Some have formed shapes While some are companionless
Pitch dark the night is Black shades form fifty Tapping water from the tank or tap From Faraway comes the sound of the dancing beck Around are multi-colored flowers And are around huts so pretty
Across the bare field standing alone Yet companies me a dog erratically barking

Now I start feeling the cold  Shivering through my spine Some hikers are already deep asleep While some are committing fun crimes And Some I hear whispering as I walk past 

Barks of dog and overflowing water  Sounds of the river and the cold windy dark night Shivering I go to sleep, turns are cold  And awake is my sleep

Its early morning Pitch dark changes by time its shades Taking deep breathe of air so cold I open my eyes to a view of gold Machaphhuchre and Annapurna 3 Reflecting sunlight from it's golden acme


-ghandruk 2016 11:55 pm 3rd december, 4th december 6:00 am

Confusing wings

I look at mirror  Somedays i look pretty Is there a mirror to look through me? If there was a mirror to see one's heart Somedays mine would be ugly

Because i laugh too loud, threaten everyone around Yet with so much noise Can't express my friendship  I joke when i shouldn't I joke when noone is doing so And when joking is everyone's cue Serious talk takes me through
I confuse myself with own's action What i say, what i do, what i feel and worse are the viewer's reaction Lol, but i am doing anything but laughing "Were you awake all night? Hahaha lol" But i wasnt being apathetic
So hard to explain, i am not an ignorant So much it means, the relation of good friendship I can't explain either, i am an ignorant At times i don't reply because thats my condition A condition of wanting to be alone When cloistered are your emotions I can't explain that i am not an ignorant
Forgive me friend, i hurt you too many times Weird is this girl, driven by crazier madness Can't …

Human Inhumane

She was a black cat. Pregnant at that unfortunate moment. Being black, was that her mistake? A witch as people often like to call to one similar to her.  Or the fact she lived with us? Who knows but those decent people? Why? Such a hideous act? I don’t know. Her bones in the back were broken, her unborn kittens fell off her womb, eating was a far-fetched story she couldn’t event excrete. It wasn’t enough until on another unfortunate day someone murdered her. And to this day it comes, again those little speechless (or at least a speech we devious human don’t deserve to understand), innocent little kitten of mine were attacked. He wasn’t black in colour! Oh no. But he limbs today. I can’t allay his pain or his fear. He is scared to come near to any human. He doesn’t understand.
God help me, may I never crave for someone’s flesh. No I don’t believe to ever be served justice from this society but if karma exist! Oh I want to curse, my heart is pained, but my ethics don’t teach me so. God…

Darkness prevails

Depression. Its a serious disease. And has to be treated.  A friend of mine had discussed about it with me a long time ago. She told me that like our physical wound, our mentail illness has to be treated too. Its not madness. Its normal.
How to recognize depression? I dont know. There are lots of research and papers we can read online. And we can also schedule ourself an appointment. There are even apps and test to help us indentify depression.
Today i want to share my story briefly. All so i can fight my current state too.
I dont know what depression is. I dont know what my current state is.  But i can feel so much of negativity inside of me. I took a test and i got a mild score. I know if i stay for few more days like this, my state will get worse. I skipped futsal. And i skipped swimming. And i stayed alone these two days. And my condition has only gotten worse by now.
And as worse it gets, as worse i make. I dont talk to anyone. I dont eat. I sleep the whole time. My mind is busy…

Days of life

Lifeless am i? Laying down On my bed I cant move I can see I cant hear Thoughts have conjested
A cup of tea i ask Nd a bed to sleep And let me live in peace 12 inch washing tub Placed in my bedroom  I have shame but had no washroom So let me live in peace
So the other day i text ya know? My bunch of people I tell em am tensed got some problem at work Ya know they were tensed equally? Alas not a lil trace of it for me , shoot.
Why are you scared? Did you do something wrong? Am only human, too much on my mind, you only add to my pain

Oh my mother don't know But she has nothing to worry about She asks me to help her But i cant move a feet She is tired of physical pain I am tired of my thoughts

At nights i awoke, there was a fight i had to win Asked for help And now the enemy is butchering me My body lies in my bed Lifeless I cant move a feet I can only see My heart is so heavy Weaving thoughts and weeping salt But Am not hungry
Plunging into darkness
I have lost the will
Can I get up…

Everyday without you

Feelings,
I feel the love i have for you is immense.
Feelings,
I feel not i have need of you in life though.
Feelings,
I feel the strong desire to see you in person.

Emotions,
So much of warm emotions that wants to wrap you up in my arm.
Emotions,
A little bit of anger for you being lost, i no not where you hide.
Emotions,
A little bit of pain, for the distance is so big in miles and in bond.

I could only close my eyes
And think of you near me
I could only close my eyes
And wish to dream of you in my sleep
Is this madness or obsession 
I cannot tell
Are you already gone?
Why are you not here?
Why am i here?
Why is there so much distance
Why am i without you
Breathing, alive and leaving
Yet with the feel of you missing
Like all i have could be more defined
My each smile, each laughter,
Every sadness, every success and 
Every failure 
wants your comfort and touch
Help me see life from your eyes
I havent forgotten your voice
My truth are becoming lies
Our truth is becoming a fiction
Like a chapter from a novel i am recit…

Overwhelming emotions

Rolling drops,
Roll down the cheeks Keep talking blatantly So its the only sound you hear Keep laughing loud Too loud for everyone So shame is the only emotion you feel
Lost looking at everyone around Do they go home to lose hope everytime Wondering if they are hiding  Drops within their smile Because rich is powerful
And drama is the winner Who listens to cries  Not reaching to their ears?
Weak is me, weaker it makes me Sometimes I lose it, hardly contained patience Lost are all hopes Lost are all the battles
And worse is when.....
When you lose all the balance
Crazy you go
Shattered is how it feels
For lost is the balance
Emotionally, spiritually
Agitated and irritated,
Restless the mind is
The heinous depressing disease
 Taking you into abyss


For worse is when ,
When lost are all the hopes.

Scattering Friendship

Pass the traffic lights Pass the chanting  voices Pass the road side night lights Buildings i pass Junctions i pass Dark is the night Winning chants i hear Dark is the night Lighting strikes Thunderless is the black gray sky My thoughts travel pass the mammatus sky Wonders its way through my mind Off it goes ,boundary less space it finds Off goes my mind For off goes to everywhere ,my friends East west north and south My friends are everywhere Yet noone by my side I got friends everywhere So why alike cloistered is life?

Poor is the country Rich are the folks And off they go Pass the TIA To another place Scattering everywhere My country men and women
For all i desire today To see my folks in person No virtual reality will do No long phone calls will do And the question pops in my head Why we have to move?  Good were those days of school All my folks were in the same room And now i hum in one  While they be singing in another tune

Having a Big Sister, What's it like?

Today is my sister's birthday. And as a kid once i did try giving her all my gifts and toys. Back then that was the most I could do. I was wondering what special could I do for her birthday today to make it a little more special? Why don't I just write how it feels to have her in and have had her in my life?
Below are the few things about having a big sister that i relate to:

1. Dancing partner.
As a kid, we, oops nope , she choreographed so many songs and made all the little kids to dance on her steps. Anyone remember the "Fulchowki ko dada muni godawari bana" song dance?

2. Doing things she did.
Having started watching football because she did. The whole lot of movies that we have watched together. The exercising we did together. Following up a celebrity or an athlete because she did.

3. Ultimate stylist.
 I never bought a dress as a kid, unless  my sister approved of them. NEVER. EVER. She was my stylist.

4. Learning morals and good deeds.
 My sister always taught me…

Old and sick

Could i close my eyes and think of us Old and weak Old and sick Stupid and dumb Lazy and not plumb Grumpy you or grumpy me? Both of us wrinkly?
Could you close your eyes and think of us? No tooth to spare  Or black pair of hair  Cant move too fast Or laugh too hard Our brown eyes
that's become so grey
Of the time i speak When I am not pretty ,
Our brain is slow And you are not smart Yet will i love you, Will i love you enough? Will you hold my old hands? Will you love me enough? For i aint pretty and  You are not smart Will we love us? Will we love us enough?
For, this is the time I will need you by my side As growing is the deafness And plummeting is our sight Will you help me walk the stairs? As I help you read the paper We complain and take our medicines We laugh and play with little kids We forget, forget and keep forgetting Yet everyday you kiss me good morning

And even in the darkest days of our life I pray we shine
With love so pure
and life lived to the fullest