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If I Died ...

If i died...........
Mom... If i havent told you enough I love you mom If i havent shown you as much I love you mom I might have told you today But i might forget tomorrow To express my love for you I am grateful to have a mother as great as you I might not know your struggles as well as you went through them And i m sorry if i couldnot take them away But i want to see you happy mom If i die be happy mom. Live in the moment Let go of the past  Let go of your pain Be happy mom Gain a little weight  Spend on yourself Keep being the kind hearted soul Keep on taking care of the unloved Dont worry anymore about me You have given up yourself for us And no "thank you" will be ever enough for the life you have given to us There is so much to say to you mom Keep making jokes with me. I will be smiling with your smile Be happy mom.
Dad.... Dad i know i have been too often rude You pampered me so much dad I know i have been a rude one  But i love you dad There is no despite when i think now Its just you and me dad No com…

Dec 21 -2014

Today morning i was thinking about the purpose of our life. I was convinced we are born so we can help somebody else.  The day passed like any other day and i was going back home with two of my friends. On our way from putalisadak to bagbazar suddenly the world stopped for us. We heard a house rumble down. My first instinct was to run. But i paused. I wasn't paralyzed but i just couldn't put myself to run. It was an adrenaline rush only with no movement. I knew i wasn't as near as where the noise came from but i also knew i wasn't in a safe distance. I dared myself to look behind me and saw the rubble falling. And when i looked ahead of me i saw my two friends running. It all happened in a matter of few seconds but in that moment i realized how much can happen in one single second. It was as if time had stopped.  Only few steps away we were from having those rumbles fall upon us and injure us or probably kill us.  It was just about few seconds.  And in this incident i…

God's mistake

Dear god  You made a mistake Am i supposed to be here? Cause i feel so out of place
Am i being stupid now Asking you inconsequential questions? But dear god you made a mistake. You gave me a sensitive heart. And i hurt for everything. I am trying to be strong  But i feel so out of place So it hurts too much.
There are so many problems to be addressed. But i am just lazy today. Fighting you today Because i feel so passion less I have got no talent on me.
I feel alone amongst my dears They only know the words But i cant feel them care. Because i am sick of words. God i didn't ask for words.

At the end its just you and me My shallow heart and you Don't let me hurt anyone. I feel i am breaking  I cannot do this anymore. Am i not your child ? So wont you hold me as i cry? Wont you tell me i am strong? That i am being stupid right now, wont you?
All i ask for is a warm smile. But my mother gives it to me everyday And i just snapped at her My sister just called And i hung up on her …

Sunshine

It could be anyone But don't want it to be me Walking that road again The chill scares me I wanna walk on the sun You be shining on me like the sun Could you be my sunshine?
I am scared ; alike a broken glass But how do you do it? Putting me together.  Healing my pieces. Could you be my indissoluble light?
And you tell me about your plans And make me wonder where i fit? Feels like i am trying to spill your cup I fight to tell you how i feel I talk to you in my mirror But i see you in your wonder world. Are your dreams quixotic or feasible?
I look deep into your eyes I hear your voice and read your words And i fail to say it to you "Honey where do i fit? Nowhere.  So i cant do this.... Anymore... I cant see myself in dark again You came too soon"
Could have been the perfect one But somehow i don't fit in your plan And you came too soon But i still wish that you were mine Wish i could keep you as my sunshine.
You could have been my shining light Where do i fit in your…

Time

Insomnia or dwelling i cant define. But just the realization of how time has passed from yesterday to today has made me sleepless.Time moves in its normal pace always. But some moments or part of our lives as we look back seem as if it moved "slow" or "fast" or "too fast". 
From our mother's womb to where we are now, that is how much time has passed. That never ending long traffic jams to the too quickly ending laughter moments with our dear ones, time always has been at the same speed. If only we could hit "slow" at  our great and happy moments , "fast" at the sad moments, like some how we could manipulate time, if only. Would things be same if we could manipulate time as we pleased? Will our eyes have tears on them when cherishing school memories?  If we had 48 hours in a day how would you be living your life?
Would schools run for 6 more hours?  Would office run 8 more hours? How many times would we eat? Would this world be a better place …

Puffs of dashain

"Baba what are you going to buy for me? Baba please we will buy a new cap ok? Baba we will also buy a spiderman dress for me. Is it fine baba? When will we go baba? All of my friends at school are showing off their new toys already."
Hari recalls what his son was asking him this morning when he went to drop his son, mohan to school. After taking another puff from the cigarette, he puts his hand inside his pant's pocket. Rs 500, that was all he had in there. Rs 500 is not enough to celebrate as big a festival as dashain. 

Next morning during breakfast .....
Mohan: "Baba today is half day at school, please take me shopping. We will go to that big city ok baba?"
Hari: "Yes sure my dearest son. We will go to the city and buy too many things from the bazaar."
........................…

"Baba you told me we will buy a lot of thing but what did you let me buy? Nothing!! You lied to me. I will jump from this bus window and die " Mohan was sobbing. Hari: "…

Trivial fear

Deep. Its deep. The emotion that is controlling me right now is deep. I am feeling some anxiety, fear, insecurity. I am scared."I dont love you"
"I am sorry but i never loved you like......" Her words are echoing through me deep. Deep.


Through this abandoned and outmoded park i see a setting sun. A deep tenebrous shade of red has beseiged the clouds. The tree above me is hallowing in pain or is it screaming dance of joy? I am staring at the horizon.
"Damn I am a man, for God's sake stop. Please." -I tell myself. I cant find a tissue, who carries it anyway? They are not stopping. "What the fish? " I travelled some pretty miles, crossed some pretty villages , climbed some pretty tough hills , hungry as hell but no appetite, all this hardship so that voice would stop echoing through my whole body, those memories of her would estrange from my heart but these tears of pain are the only thing besides my body sweat that has estranged from my body leaving…

Dont Shut me Off

I will take your tears as they come by
I will take your pain like they are mine,
they are mine too,
Don't shut me off, just  don't shut me off.

Please don't cry, I will cry too,
I can;t be strong , if you wont help me too,
I will make things good , just believe in me too,
buy me some time, pray for me
but don't shut me off, just don't shut me off.

I can't find the right words to say to you,
I can't find the right way to show care to you,
I probably give you hurt like they do?
May be I don't understand even half of you,
But I hurt too for all you are going through.

Yes I am scared ,
And no I didn't listen how they got outraged at you,
May be I am just not in your shoes,
But please don't shut me off like you do.

I might be just a little girl to you,
Can you see I can share your tears too?
Oh how I am so proud of you,
You are  strong, I want to be too.
I will cry for you, I cry for you too.

But don't shut me off ,take me in with you
Tell me ab…

Cant Outrun you

I lie awake , my eyes are all open.
I try to do my work.
Distract my mind.

I am fine, I m just fine,
I say I am fine
I will be all right
this will go away.
I smile,  I laugh  like there is no pain
Call up my best friend , hangout
I go to work, do my job
and stay all fine, I try to stay all fine.

I feel like i have been running forever
I cant feel my wings anymore
I wana fly away, just fly away from here.

But no matter what I do ,
How far i run
You always catch up with me,
yes, you always catch up with me.
Your memories, your smile, your promises,
they just dig a grave for me
and I keep falling back,
Oh I keep falling back in love .....with you.

I know its been too long since I last heard your voice,
But I still remember the way you said my name
Yes I do.
I remember those frowning lines on your face
I remember the ring your mother made you wear

And just like a birch bark on fire, my heart,
my heart, burns too hot,
it burns too hot.

My internship Journey

The only thing one learns by birth is to cry and throw.
And in the journey of life, is when you learn. Everyday you learn a lesson. But its upon you how you perceive it.
There is always a first time for eveything, nobody starts from second.
What you are going through, its most probable that someone somewhere has gone through it before.
Every problem has a solution and the  best way to deal with it is to face it calmly.
I am a beginner in programming. At many times i have panicked,  I have been scared of failure, i have been scared of not being able to learn. At times i have wondered if i am doing good, or if i am the only one who is this stupid making such simple mistakes. I still am not sure of how well or how bad i am doing. I dont know what the future beholds for me.
But everyday, in this journey of my internship, I have learned something new. Yes, sometimes its a new syntax, while the other time i learned what mistakes i should not do. Sometimes i learned how i should wor…