Sunday, December 21, 2014

If I Died ...

If i died...........

Mom...
If i havent told you enough
I love you mom
If i havent shown you as much
I love you mom
I might have told you today
But i might forget tomorrow
To express my love for you
I am grateful to have a mother as great as you
I might not know your struggles as well as you went through them
And i m sorry if i couldnot take them away
But i want to see you happy mom
If i die be happy mom.
Live in the moment
Let go of the past 
Let go of your pain
Be happy mom
Gain a little weight 
Spend on yourself
Keep being the kind hearted soul
Keep on taking care of the unloved
Dont worry anymore about me
You have given up yourself for us
And no "thank you" will be ever enough for the life you have given to us
There is so much to say to you mom
Keep making jokes with me.
I will be smiling with your smile
Be happy mom.

Dad....
Dad i know i have been too often rude
You pampered me so much dad
I know i have been a rude one 
But i love you dad
There is no despite when i think now
Its just you and me dad
No complaints no regrets 
I love you dad.
I m sorry if i failed to make you proud.
Take care of yourself dad.
Dont go climbing the ladders of the water tank
Dont do such stupid risky stuffs
I get scared.
Mom loves you too.
Dad i love you
Please be happy 
Please take care.
I love you


Di/Reshma
I just struggled whether to write "Di"
Or just "Reshma"
you are my sister but more
You have given me more than any normal sister
You have struggled at that time when you should have enjoyed life
So you could give us a comforting life
You have shown me what brave is
I express it too less
I love you a lot
You mean a lot to me
You are not just my sister 
But my guardian angel
Live your life
Sorry if i couldnt help you when you needed
Sorry if i wasnt there when you needed.
This is life
Live your moment
Do what you want
Dont hesitate.
Dont be somewhere where you are not respected
Life is  beautiful.
Take care of mom and dad
And yourself
I love you


I have so much more to say to my other family: my dogs, my cats and my friends. I love you all . I am sorry if i ever hurt you but i love you.
Take care of your dear ones. Keep smiling . Live your moments. 

To the world.....
I wish this world becomes a better place for everyone. Every living being have equal right to live on this earth so i wish humans acknowledged this fact. I wish for more humanity among us. I wish for peace.


Lots of love to everyone
-Kushma Thapa

Dec 21 -2014

Today morning i was thinking about the purpose of our life. I was convinced we are born so we can help somebody else. 
The day passed like any other day and i was going back home with two of my friends. On our way from putalisadak to bagbazar suddenly the world stopped for us. We heard a house rumble down. My first instinct was to run. But i paused. I wasn't paralyzed but i just couldn't put myself to run. It was an adrenaline rush only with no movement. I knew i wasn't as near as where the noise came from but i also knew i wasn't in a safe distance. I dared myself to look behind me and saw the rubble falling. And when i looked ahead of me i saw my two friends running. It all happened in a matter of few seconds but in that moment i realized how much can happen in one single second. It was as if time had stopped. 
Only few steps away we were from having those rumbles fall upon us and injure us or probably kill us. 
It was just about few seconds. 
And in this incident i felt the chill, the thrill. I lived an Indescribable emotion within those seconds.

I realized that we might be able to help another person in a sound state that is not a big deal . What's the big deal is being able to help other in the face of danger.

I was reminded life is uncertain. What if that would have been my last moment? So i should not forget:  i need to love more , live more and be happy and Brave.
Somebody said it true " Live every moment like its your last one."

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

God's mistake

Dear god 
You made a mistake
Am i supposed to be here?
Cause i feel so out of place

Am i being stupid now
Asking you inconsequential questions?
But dear god you made a mistake.
You gave me a sensitive heart.
And i hurt for everything.
I am trying to be strong 
But i feel so out of place
So it hurts too much.

There are so many problems to be addressed.
But i am just lazy today.
Fighting you today
Because i feel so passion less
I have got no talent on me.

I feel alone amongst my dears
They only know the words
But i cant feel them care.
Because i am sick of words.
God i didn't ask for words.


At the end its just you and me
My shallow heart and you
Don't let me hurt anyone.
I feel i am breaking 
I cannot do this anymore.
Am i not your child ?
So wont you hold me as i cry?
Wont you tell me i am strong?
That i am being stupid right now, wont you?

All i ask for is a warm smile.
But my mother gives it to me everyday
And i just snapped at her
My sister just called
And i hung up on her
My dad is a darling who loves me a lot
He is the reason i am so pampered.

But god why do i still dare
To ask you if you made a mistake?
And i am just too lazy to wake up from this bed.
I am fighting you today.
I am fighting you today.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Sunshine

It could be anyone
But don't want it to be me
Walking that road again
The chill scares me
I wanna walk on the sun
You be shining on me like the sun
Could you be my sunshine?

I am scared ; alike a broken glass
But how do you do it?
Putting me together. 
Healing my pieces.
Could you be my indissoluble light?

And you tell me about your plans
And make me wonder where i fit?
Feels like i am trying to spill your cup
I fight to tell you how i feel
I talk to you in my mirror
But i see you in your wonder world.
Are your dreams quixotic or feasible?

I look deep into your eyes
I hear your voice and read your words
And i fail to say it to you
"Honey where do i fit? Nowhere. 
So i cant do this....
Anymore...
I cant see myself in dark again
You came too soon"

Could have been the perfect one
But somehow i don't fit in your plan
And you came too soon
But i still wish that you were mine
Wish i could keep you as my sunshine.

You could have been my shining light
Where do i fit in your life?

May be this is our good bye
Wish you could have  been mine

Waking up hurts too much.
Good bye has no good touch.

And i wish i could keep you as my sunshine.


Friday, September 26, 2014

Time

Insomnia or dwelling i cant define. But just the realization of how time has passed from yesterday to today has made me sleepless.
Time moves in its normal pace always.
But some moments or part of our lives as we look back seem as if it moved "slow" or "fast" or "too fast". 

From our mother's womb to where we are now, that is how much time has passed.
That never ending long traffic jams to the too quickly ending laughter moments with our dear ones, time always has been at the same speed.
If only we could hit "slow" at  our great and happy moments , "fast" at the sad moments, like some how we could manipulate time, if only.
Would things be same if we could manipulate time as we pleased?
Will our eyes have tears on them when cherishing school memories? 
If we had 48 hours in a day how would you be living your life?

Would schools run for 6 more hours? 
Would office run 8 more hours?
How many times would we eat?
Would this world be a better place then?

In the hands of time, we lose so much. We lose our favourite toys, our teeth, our notes, money.
We lose friends, we lose friendship. We lose people. We lose trust. We lose love. We also lose life sometimes, and by this what i mean is  we forget to live life, being busy in too many unimportant things instead of living the moments.
Strangers become friends and friends become  strangers. An undergrad becomes a graduate , a son becomes a father. A homeless gets home.
We gain friends, we gain friendship, we gain trust, we gain love, we gain understanding, we gain moments. 

Everything will be lost and dead with time but moments live forever. 
As someone great once said 
"The only thing one owns is the moment they are living".
This moment is mine. 
Thats what we need to tell ourselves.
Yes its hard to run along with time so we often get left behind. And we dwell in that loss but by doing that we are only keeping ourself further behind.

So let us all live in the moment. Lets remember our yester years , our happy moments, our sad moments, our ok moments but without letting them effect our present in any bad way. 
Did i just write nonsense here? 
I dont know.
But am i happy about it?
Yes. I am going to look back and laugh at this some day ;)
Take care 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Puffs of dashain

"Baba what are you going to buy for me? Baba please we will buy a new cap ok? Baba we will also buy a spiderman dress for me. Is it fine baba? When will we go baba? All of my friends at school are showing off their new toys already."

Hari recalls what his son was asking him this morning when he went to drop his son, mohan to school.
After taking another puff from the cigarette, he puts his hand inside his pant's pocket. Rs 500, that was all he had in there. Rs 500 is not enough to celebrate as big a festival as dashain. 


Next morning during breakfast .....

Mohan: "Baba today is half day at school, please take me shopping. We will go to that big city ok baba?"

Hari: "Yes sure my dearest son. We will go to the city and buy too many things from the bazaar."

........................…


"Baba you told me we will buy a lot of thing but what did you let me buy? Nothing!!
You lied to me. I will jump from this bus window and die "
Mohan was sobbing.
Hari: "Chora(son) dont be silly why would you jump from this bus window? Its not good manners to say such things."
Mohan: "Why do you care its my life that i am taking not yours?"

.........
An announcer shouting "SALE SALE SALE.
Every item @ just Rs 125 ". 

.......
Mohan: "Baba this is the same toy i was looking the other day. Wow a new cap too and a tshirt......"

Hari feels pleased seeing that joy on his son's face.

..................

Dashain is about family, about togetherness , about making good memories rather than about spending more than you can or more than you should. Its about killing lone rather than taking loan. Its about small happiness with big impact.
So enjoy your dashain , make your loved ones happy .
Buy our dashain cards at a reasonale price , just Rs 2 per card . 
Just kidding.
Happy dashain

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Trivial fear

Deep. Its deep. The emotion that is controlling me right now is deep. I am feeling some anxiety, fear, insecurity. I am scared.
"I dont love you"
"I am sorry but i never loved you like......"
Her words are echoing through me deep. Deep.



Through this abandoned and outmoded park i see a setting sun. A deep tenebrous shade of red has beseiged the clouds. The tree above me is hallowing in pain or is it screaming dance of joy? I am staring at the horizon.

"Damn I am a man, for God's sake stop. Please." -I tell myself. I cant find a tissue, who carries it anyway?
They are not stopping. "What the fish? "
I travelled some pretty miles, crossed some pretty villages , climbed some pretty tough hills , hungry as hell but no appetite, all this hardship so that voice would stop echoing through my whole body, those memories of her would estrange from my heart but these tears of pain are the only thing besides my body sweat that has estranged from my body leaving me dehydrated. 

I loved her. For once in my life i loved someone with all my heart. For once in my life i let go to fall deep.  For once in my life i wanted to feel love. 

From the very early age i could feel and tell that my mother just didnot care. There was no value of my being to her or to my father. I was just a responsibilty they probably detested to fulfill. 
The last time we three sat together to eat was 9 years ago, On my 10th birthday. That was the last day of me seeking affection from them. Now they are at two different corners of the world and i am where i was always.

Life is so atrocious, isnt it?
She promised me of love but drained me and left me.
The hardest part is realizing what we had , how we were , isnot what we are now. Infact there is no we anymore. 
Fudge i had even started to pray again just for her. I was seeing my dreams , my future , my happiness , my life with her probably why i got so blinded that i couldnot see........

"I am sorry but she never loved him like the way he loved her".Thats how she chose to confess to me.  Yeah right my sweets like you ever loved me anyway. She  couldnot even say it " i never loved you" directly to me.
Because love just doesnt die as easy as hers did.
 And with those words of her i was back into the darkness. Back into where i was, into my solitude. 

Few days ago, her status on facebook was 
"Enjoying so much with friends" .
I sent a like. She was online. 
Was she talking to some other guy? Is she seeing someone already? May be not,Unavoidable it is though. She will eventually fall for someone. But just even thinking of her liking someone else kills me. And she never loved me anyway. She was never mine to love so why am i so scared of losing something i never had?

Love is a privileage i cannot afford . I am broken beyond repair. 

And the stars are out, the sun has died, the clouds are barging in, lightning then thunderstorm follows and follows deluge. 
I close my eyes as i wait to be bedraggled and be swallowed by the darkness as i close my eyes for the search of peace.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Dont Shut me Off


I will take your tears as they come by
I will take your pain like they are mine,
they are mine too,
Don't shut me off, just  don't shut me off.

Please don't cry, I will cry too,
I can;t be strong , if you wont help me too,
I will make things good , just believe in me too,
buy me some time, pray for me
but don't shut me off, just don't shut me off.

I can't find the right words to say to you,
I can't find the right way to show care to you,
I probably give you hurt like they do?
May be I don't understand even half of you,
But I hurt too for all you are going through.

Yes I am scared ,
And no I didn't listen how they got outraged at you,
May be I am just not in your shoes,
But please don't shut me off like you do.

I might be just a little girl to you,
Can you see I can share your tears too?
Oh how I am so proud of you,
You are  strong, I want to be too.
I will cry for you, I cry for you too.

But don't shut me off ,take me in with you
Tell me about your problems, I will listen to you
I am no judge to ever judge you,
You are one brave soul just let me tell you.

So fight this all and smile for yourself
and now let me in, like you used to.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Cant Outrun you

I lie awake , my eyes are all open.
I try to do my work.
Distract my mind.

I am fine, I m just fine,
I say I am fine
I will be all right
this will go away.
I smile,  I laugh  like there is no pain
Call up my best friend , hangout
I go to work, do my job
and stay all fine, I try to stay all fine.

I feel like i have been running forever
I cant feel my wings anymore
I wana fly away, just fly away from here.

But no matter what I do ,
How far i run
You always catch up with me,
yes, you always catch up with me.
Your memories, your smile, your promises,
they just dig a grave for me
and I keep falling back,
Oh I keep falling back in love .....with you.

I know its been too long since I last heard your voice,
But I still remember the way you said my name
Yes I do.
I remember those frowning lines on your face
I remember the ring your mother made you wear

And just like a birch bark on fire, my heart,
my heart, burns too hot,
it burns too hot.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

My internship Journey

Team Building Activity-Story telling competition

The only thing one learns by birth is to cry and throw.
And in the journey of life, is when you learn. Everyday you learn a lesson. But its upon you how you perceive it.
There is always a first time for eveything, nobody starts from second.
What you are going through, its most probable that someone somewhere has gone through it before.
Every problem has a solution and the  best way to deal with it is to face it calmly.
I am a beginner in programming. At many times i have panicked,  I have been scared of failure, i have been scared of not being able to learn. At times i have wondered if i am doing good, or if i am the only one who is this stupid making such simple mistakes. I still am not sure of how well or how bad i am doing. I dont know what the future beholds for me.
But everyday, in this journey of my internship, I have learned something new. Yes, sometimes its a new syntax, while the other time i learned what mistakes i should not do. Sometimes i learned how i should work and sometimes how i should not. Someday i learned how i should speak and someday when i should not speak. When our seniors told us how we should make as many mistakes as we can in this learning phase, i had wondered how does it even make sense. But yes, now i know a little of it, because i probably have learned equally from my mistakes as i have from my researches.
They, our seniors( our boss) , have been an inspiration all the time. The way they teach us, tell us how things are to be done with so much of calmness is encouraging and very comforting. My colleagues, they have been so much wonderful, always very helpful. This all probably sounds like exaggerated. But well i feel lucky that my experience need not need any exaggeration.
Sometimes me and my colleagues we are working in so much of silence that  we dont even notice each other and sometimes we are shouting and fighting for the roundable chair, or the heater or chocolates.
The team building activity, the intern of the month competition, that wait for the power so we can have one or two cup of coffee, those chana chatpat and panipuri treats, those scary "finish it by today" deadlines , those nightmares you get when you are stucked on the same error for more than a day and so much more. Well its the final month running and still it feels like only yesterday that we came for the interview.
What does tomorrow behold? I have no clue. But how did yesterday go?
I have a clue. Overall  it has been fun and i wish all of my colleagues best wishes for their final month of internship and also my best wishes to LUNIVA TECH, may it propsper and rise and justify the meaning of its name.