Darkness prevails

Depression.

Its a serious disease.

And has to be treated. 

A friend of mine had discussed about it with me a long time ago. She told me that like our physical wound, our mentail illness has to be treated too. Its not madness. Its normal.

How to recognize depression?

I dont know. There are lots of research and papers we can read online. And we can also schedule ourself an appointment. There are even apps and test to help us indentify depression.

Today i want to share my story briefly.

All so i can fight my current state too.

I dont know what depression is. I dont know what my current state is. 

But i can feel so much of negativity inside of me. I took a test and i got a mild score. I know if i stay for few more days like this, my state will get worse.

I skipped futsal. And i skipped swimming. And i stayed alone these two days. And my condition has only gotten worse by now.

And as worse it gets, as worse i make. I dont talk to anyone. I dont eat. I sleep the whole time. My mind is busy processing my thoughts. I question my existence. I question my importance. I start to dismiss all the people as failures. My friends and their absence starts to fuel up my dismissal of them. I become so negative and rude that if someone is talking to me they will end up absorbing my negativity too. You can try telling people you are having a bad day and to let be. But its hard to find anyone who will understand. Thats when things get harder and worsens.

This has happened to me before. If i stay alone , if i am not out there busy in stuffs, this whole negativity thing catches me.

You know its all wrong but its so hard to escape it. The weight feels so real. 

I recently lost my cat too. Somebody hit her, making her lose her unborn kittens and few days after she left home and havent returned: probably dead. Its been a month or more now. May be thats why after a really long time i am going through this state. May be if my cat was home i would have felt way better. I know so because i, only few hours ago, heard a kid's voice though for only few seconds, and instanly it lightened me only to be covered with those dark dark vibes again later.

No, this things dont happen becase of a break up, job loss or anything. Its a trigger and probably needs no reason. 

But exercise, activity and out with friends and family helps. I tried to go out today but i failed myself. I skipped.

And so i am writing all of this. 

Be strong.