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Showing posts from 2017

Give me a true smile

You are a questionYou are a mystery You make me wonder  Could I help you?
Your eyes are liars You words are fires You hurt my intentions You are a mystery
A burden on my chest A gulp on my throat You deserve just so much more
You are weird and that’s ok But mysteries I wanna solve Why do you always sleep? So rude sometimes and so caring another day
It’s so cold and you wear no coat Lost them both, it’s not your fault Why you laugh for no reason And sleep all the time Damien rice and hozier keeps playing on rhyme 
You are mystery  Be a happy one Weird is your presence  Be a crazy one  Playing alone the strings of guitar Headphones are on your ear Please give me a true smile Your heart is pure, so be your smile

Veg Non veg

This post is dedicated to my journey of vegetarianism. My journey of being a vegetarian was not a random decision of my life. It did not happen in a snap. And please note it in advance I am not here to judge anyone.  My aunt has been a vegetarian since she was a little kid. It won’t be wrong to say My mama has been a vegetarian all his life. These two peoples although belonging to a newar family practiced vegetarianism and my grand mother had been supportive of this. My aunt chose to not eat meat for the sake of not consciously killing and eating a soul. My mama, he is such a sober man. His body does not agree with meat or alcohol. I have been around them. I used to be very close to my aunt. Hence, she definitely influenced my decision, not by telling me I should stop, but through her act of living a life of vegetarian.
Secondly, I have lived my life around animals. We always had a dog at home. We had hens, we had rabbits. I think I learnt to empathise with them because I grew up bei…

Black Friday

In a constant debate of writing or not writing about today, you can tell i decided to write anyway. Today is one of the worst days of my life.
Let me just recall my day first so I can explain why its one of the worst days ever.
My day starts with "constant" struggle of sleeping few more mins and waking up. I then quickly change and head for washroom, where i remember (this happens almost everyday) i have forgotten my morning medicines. I take my meds, then head for Puja room and start doing the chores there. Lemme tell you, just getting everything ready to start puja takes around an hour. And this is a daily routine. So lets skip to the part of me heading to office, almost everyday without having any breakfast. This routine of mine makes me hungry when I reach my workplace. Since today is Friday, our canteen runs out of bakery items. Therefore, I decided to head down to the nearest bakery store and buy myself some breakfast. As I was returning back, the vehicles were stuck …

John Doe's diary

Following is a page from a diary of a 21-year-old geek guy named John Doe that I am sharing with you said Miss Lou. Miss Lou: "Amy will you please pass the hands out to the whole class."
I turn over the page. It reads out as so:
"Infinite loop. It’s not a very uncommon word in my field. Today I want to dedicate my post to explain what is infinite loop and how I relate to it. Infinite loop means going around and round the same iteration in a never-ending circle.  "I hate my life. Yet I realize life is precious. It’s amazing. It’s wonderful and we should be thankful. I love my life. Yet I hate my life." Above is an illustration of an infinite loop. I am doing things I don't want to do. I am bound to things I don't want to be bound to. I feel responsible yet it's not how I imagine being responsible. And I fucking hate my life. I feel so suffocated. I feel so trapped. I don't even have my wings coz it’s been chopped off. I am going to snap, I keep snappi…

Inside Outside

Its not greatness to keep quite , to keep silence. I did lot many times. So much that it killed me inside. It made me cold. I sealed my mouth but my face always gave it away.
Its so easy to talk nonsense yet so so very hard to talk about things that actually needs to be shared. Our heart needs it. It need to release the burden of hurt. Our mind needs to release the chain of thoughts. But why is it so hard to share your dark secrets, your insecurities, your weakness, your vulnerability? Because people mock you, people use you for your weakness, they take advantage over your insecurities and they judge you on your darkness.
I did a lot of "keep quite about how I felt, shut the world, don't talk to anyone". And when people forcefully talked to me every word I uttered would come out so rude. Truth is I'm still trying a lot. Struggling a lot. I have come a long way though. Not every word I utter comes out rude now. 
I hated being a third wheel, I hated being used as a th…

Phase 1

I don't know what to write because all I am thinking of is if I can do it. I know I won't do it. I know I cannot do it but only if there was an easy way, may be i would have been writing the last lines. May be. I have tried to make things normal. But i cannot fight against all the negativity this person has piled up in all this years. I dont blame this person. I know their struggle is real. But this negativity is eating me. This darkness is ruining me. Their brain makes things up. Or am i really so harsh?Everything is falling apart and i cannot put it all together.  There is only one person who is taking me seriously. Thank you for letting me vent. Thank you for being there coz its so hard to share and no one really cares. Its hard to make people understand. Even if I am the one wrong, you let me vent. Thank you.

Reality we call life

When you start depending on people you become a leech. A nuisance to other while unsurvivable without other.

I always held my upfront loud nature as a detrimental reality but today I know, what I am is at least out as a reality to everyone and I have no shocking sides that'll shock or hurt anyone. I don't lie coz I can't shut my routine.
Sometimes you don't need help but it's a good feeling if someone offers.
Last but not the least: Your fears and all your insecurities will haunt you.  This world, this universe conspires to make your fear a reality.
Some soul touch you and Some lessons you learn. Bitter. Sweet. Sour. But you learn. They say Trust no one because even your shadow betrays. It's one of those days when you realize the meaning of such heavy sentence.
And if it's same at the end, I would rather hurt for someone I seek rather than the other way around. I am happy as I am. And sometimes the reasons are not enough to know why you are living.

You …


Kasto thyo Jivan  Kasto vaeko cha Astitwa afno feri kornu pareko cha Korera matra hunna raecha Jivan ma Tara Ladera pani feri uthnu raecha jivan 
Sajilo cha yaha manusya lai vanna Parda afulai garo raecha jivan Afai sangai ladnu garo raecha jivan Ladi ladi feri uthne yei raecha jivan

Bujhna kosai ko man chaina sajilo Man vitra ko kura dekhaunu uti Pida Vanamla maile kehi bujhaula kehi aru Kura nabujhda chitta dukhne yo jivan
Nasoche ko ghatna hunu nai raecha jivan Ladi ladi feri uthne yei raecha jivan Sadhai eutai kata hudo raecha jivan Hasera Tara bachnu nai yo jivan

Dhurmush: my meow

So many times in life, we redefine ourselves by the presence of something or someone. To me that redefinition came when my grandma gave us a cat. Cat until that daywere scary and weird to me. I remember that day, my brother, who obviously knew about cats and loved them too, was playing  with and feeding milk to that one month old four legged weird creature. She was crying, as she was far from home. Her mother had died after giving birth to them. My dog, as expected didn't show liking to these new development. He barked at her. For first 3 days she would often hide herself from vunte, my dog. But as the days progressed that little creature grew dominant on vuntu and in my heart as well.
Cats purr. It such a natural phenomenon. But if you are amongst the one who don't know about it. you will get scared. My dog never purred. "What is wrong with my girl? Is she ill?" was the first reaction of me and my mom. Me and my mom, we both always fought at night on who will get t…


Like I have said before "Love doesnt always like". You might love someone but not like them. You might love someone but love cannot force you into liking someone forever. And I'm constantly reminded of this to such extent that at times in the middle of the night I write about it. Coming to me time and again, making me wish How I was afar. To be nagged of imaginary connections of things spoken or unspoken, of being a failure to bring any happiness, of being reminded of destroying all the hopes that were cast upon, being charged of crimes uncommitted, I fail. I fail to like. I fail to continue. I fail to bring a glimmer of hope. I cannot carry the burden of the "giving back big".  I cannot carry on seeing that  shrugged shoulder, that "I have no one who loves or cares" face, that "she failed me" look, the huge misunderstanding and the incompatability to ever empathize each other. The accusations dig more deeper holes. I am becoming shallow, rut…

El paso

A pang in my heart Baby where are you Silence is the sound I cant hear you
Why don't you come here Will you come to me? Take me with you I could trust you to.
Or set me free Please tell me the truth Why can't I let go Baby I cant hear you.
Outside your old work place Past 409, when I last saw you, I pass it everyday, and remember you
Set me free or fly me away Make me fool in love or fool who has lost her way Everyone has been calling me stupid And I know why. I wana see you Come atleast to say GoodBye. You are my sunshine. My Only sunshine.