Friday, December 29, 2017

Give me a true smile

You are a question
You are a mystery
You make me wonder 
Could I help you?

Your eyes are liars
You words are fires
You hurt my intentions
You are a mystery

A burden on my chest
A gulp on my throat
You deserve just so much more

You are weird and that’s ok
But mysteries I wanna solve
Why do you always sleep?
So rude sometimes and so caring another day

It’s so cold and you wear no coat
Lost them both, it’s not your fault
Why you laugh for no reason
And sleep all the time
Damien rice and hozier keeps playing on rhyme 

You are mystery 
Be a happy one
Weird is your presence 
Be a crazy one 
Playing alone the strings of guitar
Headphones are on your ear
Please give me a true smile
Your heart is pure, so be your smile

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Veg Non veg

This post is dedicated to my journey of vegetarianism. My journey of being a vegetarian was not a random decision of my life. It did not happen in a snap. And please note it in advance I am not here to judge anyone. 
My aunt has been a vegetarian since she was a little kid. It won’t be wrong to say My mama has been a vegetarian all his life. These two peoples although belonging to a newar family practiced vegetarianism and my grand mother had been supportive of this. My aunt chose to not eat meat for the sake of not consciously killing and eating a soul. My mama, he is such a sober man. His body does not agree with meat or alcohol.
I have been around them. I used to be very close to my aunt. Hence, she definitely influenced my decision, not by telling me I should stop, but through her act of living a life of vegetarian.

Secondly, I have lived my life around animals. We always had a dog at home. We had hens, we had rabbits. I think I learnt to empathise with them because I grew up being their friends , their big sister, sometimes even their small kiddo sister. I have known the pain of losing them.
As a kid, I never realised what eating meat really was. The whole idea of killing an animal for the sake of our taste bud never struck me. as wrong or right. But as I started to grow, as I started to realise that “Actors in a movie don’t die for real.  The same actor is seen in another movie not because it’s their second life. The moon is not following us. I wont die by chewing a gum. “, I also started to realise the reality of meat business. I came across the scenes as “dragging a goat for killing it, tying hens upside down on two sides of leg guards of a bike to sell them for meat” a lot many times,  but slowly these things started affecting me. 

I was not a meat-holic ever, but I ate nevertheless. My tongue liked the taste of it. But, it started to get very hard to swallow my food with meat. I could not. I just could not. I remember very vividly the day I last ate meat knowingly and purposely. I couldn’t eat more than two spoons of rice. The whole image of slaughter and torture to animals played again and again. I cried. I cried so much. And from then and there I have not returned back. I hope I never have to return back. I hope I never fall so weak. 
This happened back in 2008. 
I am healthy. I am strong. I am not nutrient deprived. And I am so full of energy. 
Now almost 10 years from my amazing journey, I have learnt one more thing. 
Until few weeks back I had no idea how the milk comes from an animal. I had no idea how cows and buffalos give milk. I thought they are cows /buffalos and it just comes. I was so wrong and stupid. The dairy farm is such a mess too. But I’ll come back here later.

Almost 10 years and there are hardly days where these whole “being a vegetarian” things does not come up. Honestly, I am so tired and so frustrated with all the nagging and pointing I get for this. 
Some call it fashion, some call it attention seeking, some call it “trying to look good, trying to be different”. And almost everyone tells me “Why do you eat plant?”.
I know I post a lot about animals, about vegetarian way of life.  Most of the times it’s only to let people know what is happening. Yes, I agree I get really sad during Dashain and make post to make people feel responsible. But mostly just so everyone knows what they are dealing with. I don’t tell people around “leave meat, why are you eating meat and bla bla”.  It’s my decision to not eat meat just like it’s your decision to eat meat. I don’t support your way but I don’t hate you for eating it. I don’t think less of your for it ( except at few times when you behave so irrational). Few years back it was hard to find proper vegetarian food outside of Home. Now it’s become much better. I am not so good with eating healthy balanced diet. So it’s already a hard life for me. You nagging me all the time, pointing fingers at me all the time makes it more difficult. Your questions are stupid, your reasoning are stupid too. You calling me dumb makes you dumber. Don’t support me, it's okay but please don’t nag me. 

I remember, during my first year of vegetarianism, one of my best friend when we were out said “ agadi masu leraera rakhdyo vane sab khancha hola (I can bet she will devour the plate if we bring meat in front of her)” and they laughed at me. There was more but let’s not go there. 
“Anda khancha? Esto ni vegetarian?”
I started eating eggs after I knew most of the commercially sold eggs are not fertilised. Although now I have kind of left it again for other reason. Anyways, what I am trying to say is: I am trying my best to live a life that does not harm animals. I can, ill do it. I can’t, I won’t give up but keep trying. But My non vegetarian friends wont understand this.

I know since ages humans have relied on meat. That has been our evolution. But we are sentient beings. We have the power to give justice. The innocent animals that are reared, cannot speak up for themselves. Their shrieks and pleading are unheard. We can bring change in their life and give them the life they deserve. To talk about plant saving, in the meat business animals are fed more than they should be so they sale for more money. Those extra plant feeding if fed to world population will solve hunger problems across the world. This is according to a recent study. If you don’t believe me google it. If I am wrong educate me. 
Talking about life cycle. Let nature do that. We are destroying nature is so many ways and you are giving life cycle as a problem?

And now I want to try as much as I can to adopt a life of a vegan. It’s difficult and I might not completely do it but I want to give it a try. Please don’t point fingers at me, don’t demotivate me. If you are worried about me look for alternatives instead. Don’t call me dumb. I am not. I am fully aware of my decision. I am sorry but it hurts me to see an animal being tied up in their neck and tail and transported a long way crumbled in a truck. If you feel pain making long travels even when you take business class plane tickets, can you imagine the pain of those innocent animals? I have seen them cry. To see their life after their truck, their future in a blink: "Death", how is that pleasing at all?. I am sorry but I am made this way. Just like you are made your way. It’s difficult for you to give meat up, that’s okay. That’s understandable.  But it’s not difficult to educate yourself about the reality of meat business, the reality of dairy business.  You don’t have to stop eating meat, but be aware and be “non non-supportive” on veganism or vegetarianism. Learn where you meat comes from, learn how fully animals enjoy living life like you do, learn how dairy products come from and ask yourself is there nothing you can do for them? Is there nothing you can do for them?
Let’s make as small change as we can. It’s the ripple that brings a wave.
If you disagree send me a message or leave a comment. Let us discuss this once and for all. 

Friday, November 3, 2017

Black Friday

In a constant debate of writing or not writing about today, you can tell i decided to write anyway. Today is one of the worst days of my life.
Let me just recall my day first so I can explain why its one of the worst days ever.
My day starts with "constant" struggle of sleeping few more mins and waking up. I then quickly change and head for washroom, where i remember (this happens almost everyday) i have forgotten my morning medicines. I take my meds, then head for Puja room and start doing the chores there. Lemme tell you, just getting everything ready to start puja takes around an hour. And this is a daily routine. So lets skip to the part of me heading to office, almost everyday without having any breakfast. This routine of mine makes me hungry when I reach my workplace. Since today is Friday, our canteen runs out of bakery items. Therefore, I decided to head down to the nearest bakery store and buy myself some breakfast. As I was returning back, the vehicles were stuck in red light( stop, don't go signal of traffic police). The zebra crossing, hardly visible , had a crowd of vehicles. As i was crossing the road I saw a man checking out my chest. It made me so conscious I quickly rechecked to confirm that my dress wasn't showing up anything revealing. With all this thoughts and more on my mind suddenly I hear a woman's shriek. This woman, as most of us, had flouted traffic rules and was coming from the wrong lane, and as all of us do, wasn't even slowing down on the zebra crossing.
My mistake was I did not think twice that I should be conscious of my right side of the road as well even if I am already on the other side of the lane.
I must say I was pretty lucky the accident wasn't any serious. I know many ways of how this could have gone worse yet that is least of my worry. You may think this is why today became one of the worst day of my life but that would have been easy.
I am the type of person who has to share even the slightest of the incidents that happens in my life. But today I had no one I wanted to share this with. In fact, I felt so hollow post the incident. Hollow because I know no one is worth sharing this. That is why I had my internal debate about writing this in my blog because I know some of you might read this.
I made myself busy today with work. My mind was busy thinking about others. I was wishing my one friend stayed away from my other friend because I don't trust him to be a good life partner material. I was thinking of how some of my friends should focus more on their personal and career development rather than roam around wasting their time. I can't stop not thinking for others. I should not interfere in their life, let them deal with it, trust them with it. May be I am not interfering physically but Mentally? Darn, I should STOP. No matter how well my intentions are sometimes i should stop thinking for others. I should focus on me today. Shouldn't I? My problem should be why I am not pondering over "What if the bike had hit me and I would have at worst case died? SO WHAT IN LIFE SHOULD I IMMEDIATELY START DOING AND CHANGING?". Is My change isolation?
Isolation, solitude , alone time are all good if you keep your thoughts in check. Alas, worst if your thoughts keep you in play.
My thoughts make me feel alone even when I am surrounded. My blog is being darker and darker. I want to write poems not this. I want to write poems about being in love, about giving love. I miss that emotion, that flow of thoughts. Even if it pained, it kept me warm.
I think of my cat. Her last moments. Almost everyday. I relive that night, Helplessness. Mistake. Carelessness. She could have been saved.
I think of my dog. May be he is in a better place too. I miss him silently. I miss him in my heart.
All the things I shared with my friends, I do it all alone.
I lost my cat and my dog this year.  With them i lost a very large bit of my heart. The bits that had some emotions are becoming hollow.  I want to feel. I want to care. I care even today. But I want to care with happy emotions......
I want to ponder..............
I want to be strong.........
I want to write poems....
I want to radiate happiness.............
I want to be everything that I was once.
I was loud and happy. I am just loud today.
I was childish but happy. I am still kiddish, just not happy.
I was careless but enjoyed. I am careless and hate it.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

John Doe's diary

Following is a page from a diary of a 21-year-old geek guy named John Doe that I am sharing with you said Miss Lou.
Miss Lou: "Amy will you please pass the hands out to the whole class."

I turn over the page. It reads out as so:

"Infinite loop. It’s not a very uncommon word in my field. Today I want to dedicate my post to explain what is infinite loop and how I relate to it. Infinite loop means going around and round the same iteration in a never-ending circle. 
"I hate my life. Yet I realize life is precious. It’s amazing. It’s wonderful and we should be thankful. I love my life. Yet I hate my life."
Above is an illustration of an infinite loop.
I am doing things I don't want to do. I am bound to things I don't want to be bound to. I feel responsible yet it's not how I imagine being responsible. And I fucking hate my life. I feel so suffocated. I feel so trapped. I don't even have my wings coz it’s been chopped off. I am going to snap, I keep snapping. I want peace. I want to write about happy things. I don't want each of my post to be about how miserable I feel about my life. I don't want to vent on my dear blog. It’s so dear to me. It came to me when I was in such an imbalance.  
Religion is for guidance, or at least it should be.  Praying is for peace, or at least it should be.
You don't force religion or culture onto someone. 
I don't want to be forced to do things. More than that I don't want to be made feel guilty over not doing as said. I don't want someone to control me, to tell me what I should do, how I should do, what I shouldn't miss.
The constant: "you are selfish, you are a disgrace, you are a bitch, you are a slut, you disappointed me, I don't want to live, I had hopes over you but you are as selfish as your father and I have no one in this world now. " etc everyday dose of this is what I don't want.
I have to take meds every morning which I often forget but never am I skeptical on not getting my daily dose of torture. I know this is bad thing that I am writing. I understand a lot. But it’s so hard to maintain peace in your heart with all this, is it not?? It’s killing me in the inside. It's draining me. I am sick of venting, I am sick of complaining. I am sick of being a person who bitches. Moreover, I am sick of me right now. I want to love me.  But I don't. I want to love me and everyone but I can't. Someone comes and says they love me and I feel nothing. I don't even believe in its existence. I don't believe in anything positive. I am dying. Not physically. I am dying mentally. Sometimes I wish my disease was something else, so critical of me missing my medicine dose that I fall sicker. 
I feel my friends only call me when they need me. Someone needs a recommendation in their LinkedIn which they don't return. Someone needs my books, someone needs me to get them their experience letter, someone needs me to listen. It's good. It's s good to be there for your friends and family. It feels good to make them feel good but who is there for me? At least none of the above. "

Right then the bell rings. Class is over. Miss Lou says she will discuss more on this later and our assignment is to analyse every word on this diary. I think I'll just copy paste my answers with minor changes of word selection.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Inside Outside

Its not greatness to keep quite , to keep silence. I did lot many times. So much that it killed me inside. It made me cold. I sealed my mouth but my face always gave it away.
Its so easy to talk nonsense yet so so very hard to talk about things that actually needs to be shared. Our heart needs it. It need to release the burden of hurt. Our mind needs to release the chain of thoughts. But why is it so hard to share your dark secrets, your insecurities, your weakness, your vulnerability? Because people mock you, people use you for your weakness, they take advantage over your insecurities and they judge you on your darkness.

I did a lot of "keep quite about how I felt, shut the world, don't talk to anyone". And when people forcefully talked to me every word I uttered would come out so rude. Truth is I'm still trying a lot. Struggling a lot. I have come a long way though. Not every word I utter comes out rude now. 

I hated being a third wheel, I hated being used as a third wheel. But I could never express it to my best friend. My only explanation for my rude behavior was "you know me I have such a bad mood swing". 
We all know parents. They are very sensitive about everything we do. Hence, they make assumptions and start blaming us for things we would never even imagine to do. This is not the time to keep quite. Yes, I know our tradition teaches us to not talk back to your parents. Wrong. Clear it out. Clear it out before it becomes a wall between you and your parents. Shutting down everyone will pull you away from them. Break the wall if it's there and clear it out. Talk back, but so you could tell them you are amazing, to show them you are amazing.

Even after all this realisation, sometimes being strong is defined by the ability to hold your thoughts within you. Because life is not as simple as A B C. Its not a set of formulas that you can apply and get a definitive result. Its not black and white. Life is colourful. Life is non definitive( if it's even a term). Life is mystery.  Some times you let go of people because they need it. You have to be strong enough to let them go because they are not as strong as you to let you go. Some times you have to keep quite and listen to your parents no matter what they say because they need to release their stress on you. Sometimes you have to bear being a third wheel so your friends can enjoy some moments together. Some times you have to act rude even though it'll kill you. Likewise, sometimes you have to act sweet even though it's painful. 
Life is but a lesson. Everyday you learn something new. 

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Phase 1

I don't know what to write because all I am thinking of is if I can do it. I know I won't do it. I know I cannot do it but only if there was an easy way, may be i would have been writing the last lines. May be. I have tried to make things normal. But i cannot fight against all the negativity this person has piled up in all this years. I dont blame this person. I know their struggle is real. But this negativity is eating me. This darkness is ruining me. Their brain makes things up. Or am i really so harsh?
Everything is falling apart and i cannot put it all together.  There is only one person who is taking me seriously. Thank you for letting me vent. Thank you for being there coz its so hard to share and no one really cares. Its hard to make people understand. Even if I am the one wrong, you let me vent. Thank you.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Reality we call life

When you start depending on people you become a leech. A nuisance to other while unsurvivable without other.

I always held my upfront loud nature as a detrimental reality but today I know, what I am is at least out as a reality to everyone and I have no shocking sides that'll shock or hurt anyone. I don't lie coz I can't shut my routine.

Sometimes you don't need help but it's a good feeling if someone offers.

Last but not the least:
Your fears and all your insecurities will haunt you.  This world, this universe conspires to make your fear a reality.

Some soul touch you and Some lessons you learn. Bitter. Sweet. Sour. But you learn.
They say Trust no one because even your shadow betrays. It's one of those days when you realize the meaning of such heavy sentence.

And if it's same at the end, I would rather hurt for someone I seek rather than the other way around.
I am happy as I am.
And sometimes the reasons are not enough to know why you are living.

You cannot tell somebody their fear is unreal or stupid when you have your own. 

Every time I question the existence of a deep feeling towards the other I close my eyes. I see you. That's how I know its possible to feel such great attachment and feeling towards someone that is not the person them-self. Otherwise everything and everyone around makes me feel otherwise. 

Tuesday, July 11, 2017


Kasto thyo Jivan  Kasto vaeko cha
Astitwa afno feri kornu pareko cha
Korera matra hunna raecha Jivan ma Tara
Ladera pani feri uthnu raecha jivan 

Sajilo cha yaha manusya lai vanna
Parda afulai garo raecha jivan
Afai sangai ladnu garo raecha jivan
Ladi ladi feri uthne yei raecha jivan

Bujhna kosai ko man chaina sajilo
Man vitra ko kura dekhaunu uti Pida
Vanamla maile kehi bujhaula kehi aru
Kura nabujhda chitta dukhne yo jivan

Nasoche ko ghatna hunu nai raecha jivan
Ladi ladi feri uthne yei raecha jivan
Sadhai eutai kata hudo raecha jivan
Hasera Tara bachnu nai yo jivan

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Dhurmush: my meow

So many times in life, we redefine ourselves by the presence of something or someone. To me that redefinition came when my grandma gave us a cat. Cat until that daywere scary and weird to me. I remember that day, my brother, who obviously knew about cats and loved them too, was playing  with and feeding milk to that one month old four legged weird creature. She was crying, as she was far from home. Her mother had died after giving birth to them. My dog, as expected didn't show liking to these new development. He barked at her. For first 3 days she would often hide herself from vunte, my dog. But as the days progressed that little creature grew dominant on vuntu and in my heart as well.
Cats purr. It such a natural phenomenon. But if you are amongst the one who don't know about it. you will get scared. My dog never purred. "What is wrong with my girl? Is she ill?" was the first reaction of me and my mom. Me and my mom, we both always fought at night on who will get to keep her for the night. My meow, on the other hand wouldn't go to sleep unless she got some play time.
She has given me so many wounds and scars and i carry them all with pride. At times my friends also doubted i had cut my hand. But slowly as we all grew accustomed to each other, the scars became lesser. She learned to climb up my shoulder but without the use of her nails. My meow, the one with the pink nose and that queen attitude.


Sunday, March 19, 2017


Like I have said before "Love doesnt always like". You might love someone but not like them. You might love someone but love cannot force you into liking someone forever. And I'm constantly reminded of this to such extent that at times in the middle of the night I write about it. Coming to me time and again, making me wish How I was afar. 
To be nagged of imaginary connections of things spoken or unspoken, of being a failure to bring any happiness, of being reminded of destroying all the hopes that were cast upon, being charged of crimes uncommitted, I fail. I fail to like. I fail to continue. I fail to bring a glimmer of hope.
I cannot carry the burden of the "giving back big".  I cannot carry on seeing that  shrugged shoulder, that "I have no one who loves or cares" face, that "she failed me" look, the huge misunderstanding and the incompatability to ever empathize each other. The accusations dig more deeper holes. I am becoming shallow, ruthless, and burdened....

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

El paso

A pang in my heart
Baby where are you
Silence is the sound
I cant hear you

Why don't you come here
Will you come to me?
Take me with you
I could trust you to.

Or set me free
Please tell me the truth
Why can't I let go
Baby I cant hear you.

Outside your old work place
Past 409, when I last saw you,
I pass it everyday, and remember you

Set me free or fly me away
Make me fool in love or fool who has lost her way
Everyone has been calling me stupid
And I know why.
I wana see you
Come atleast to say GoodBye.
You are my sunshine.
My Only sunshine.