Friday, December 25, 2015

Where i belong

I was seeing him after a long time. Looking at his dark eyes I realized how much I missed them. He styled himself in a jacket with a hood under and light blue jeans paired with black converse. At the coffee house, I was stirring my coffee with sugar. That was when he told me if things went right he will be leaving in coming 10 days.  Everything suddenly felt cold and brutal. My insides were crumbling. I was struggling to keep a straight face. Nevertheless I kept up with our conversations.

I wanted more time. More time to spend with him. No care of the world , I wanted to be with him.  If only I could have dared to hold his hands. I so wanted to feel the warmth of those. Mine were cold, so cold.

He flew back home and I kept trying to delete the thoughts that made me dream of the place I wanted to be at. I could care less where I was, as long as I am with him. For all I know he has been lying to me, yet for all I know he makes me the best version of me. He helps me be who I never expected myself capable of being. Unintentionally. So  unaware of it he is.
I miss you. I couldn't say. I like you. I couldn't say. And as far as he is from me, so are my feelings wrapped inside of me. And of all the places I could wish to be right now, no place will be warmer than the place where he is with me.

.... To be continued

Friday, October 30, 2015

Survival of Friendship

And slowly now that you are slipping away
May be i will recall our moments of laughter
And years from now i will talk of us
Our adventures together
Our discovery of friendship in each other
I Might as well be shedding few tears as i recall then,
Of friendship so old that was broken
With the calls that were made lesser
With the exchange of fewer handshakes
While blaming our busy life
A friendship that broke apart


I will call you today just like i did yesterday
I will complain about you not calling me back
Out of no desperation, but desire
To keep my friend aside
Even in years to come
To recall together the journey afar

But slowly i might stop
So my dear friend
Are we what we are?
So wont you help us be
What we were always supposed to be
Dont forget me today
Keep me in your heart even tomorrow
Lets bitch about our failures
Lets celebrate our success
For lets keep afresh the friendship 
For friends are forever

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

My take on Nepal's current crisis

For a long time i have been reading post and listening to people talk on vehicles, chiya pasals(cafes) and i have been taking in their thoughts and opinions. I have been pensive myself over the current crisis of our country Nepal. What could be the solution to come out of this?
I have been thinking. 
Requesting India or china to open the borders? Is that a permanent solution? 
Why has India the power to trouble our life? 
China's prime minister stated he will provide all the help he can.
Will he? Even if he does so without any selfish motive is that a permanent solution? 
Aja usle help garla, wa india le nai nakabandhi khulla garla ra hami hamro so called "normal life" ma ramaula. Tara kahile samma?
Its all some temporary and fully parasitic dependency solution.
What our government should do is generate electricity.
Yedi hami sanga lagani chaina vane investors leraune. 
Sano bela ma trolly bus, dad ko rajhdoot bike ani mero bicycle bahek aru vehicles chadeko yaad chaina. 
Khana pakaunu lai gas nai chahincha vanne pani chaina nata fire wood.
We are a landlocked country ra hamilai ahile ko state ma dependent hunu badhyata nai cha.
Tara hami ma ni kati country dependent cha directly or indirectly. We export productions like textiles, chemical, rubber, wood, metal. Cheaper and quality raw materials exported from nepal are refined and made into stuffs and sold in a better price by countries like India and china. So my point is mutual dependency hunu parcha
Tara dependency esto nahos ki kehi hapta wa din ko nakabandhi le hamro life nai uthal puthal hos. 
Arko kura yo samaye desh banaune samaye ho. Lekhera hos, garera hosh, kehi nagarda ni desh bikash ma yogdan pugcha yedi tapai le atleast desh futaune ra bannne kaam bigrana ma haat halnu vaena vane. Bidesh bata hosh wa pradesh bata sano yogdan hosh wa thulo. "MADHESI" , "PAHADI" "#backoffindia" vanera desh bandaina. India should not interfere in our political affairs vanda ni hamle uniharu le interefere garna sakchan vanera sochne power nai dine bato nabanaune ho ni. This is my opinion.
Violence is not the answer. 
Blame is not the solution and open border is blockage to our development if seen in a long term basis.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

A strange friendship

Lately I haven't been a morning person. Well who am i kidding i have never been a morning person. Anyways, today i had to visit a temple nearby because my mom wanted me to. So in my own time i went there. I organized my puja thali. And when i was doing so I noticed a little girl who was looking at what i was doing fascinatingly. There was this goat as well who was also fascinated by some flowers and a raddish i had in my thali.  I started doing my puja, fully aware the goat was eyeing my puja thali. 
In our culture we first offer puja to lord ganesh. Only then we offer puja to other gods. After doing the same, offering my puja to lord ganesh,i went inside the main temple of Bhairav. She tagged along and later i realized so did the goat.
 The goat was disturbing  in a cute way. And the lil girl forcefully offered her help by holiding my thali for me. While i was kneeling down and doing my worship, she was making offerings from the thali herself. 
And our bond started. The temple isn't  so big yet it consists of about 20+ statues of different gods. After offerin to lord ganesh, and lord bhairav, we went ahead to offer the remaining gods. At first she was helping me by handing me the flower pieces from my thali but then she was herself so excited to do the puja that i let her do it. 
What's the big deal anyway right?
I taught her a little on how to do it.
And she would ask me the name of the god sometimes or so i think. I am not really sure what she was asking but my reply was a "i dont know" expression most of the time. I, at first, thought she was dumb but an elder women there told me she was deaf as well. At one point she pointed at her nose and as far as my knowledge told me  she was asking for my name. And i did tell her but i don't know if she understood. Then she was signing for height and i was guessing she was asking for my age but we both got confused on what each of us were trying to tell that we let it go. 
We also let go something she tried telling me by pointing at my feet. But yes i did understand very clearly everything she tried teaching me on doing a puja (haha ironic). She would ask me to offer the "jal" so she could put on "aabir keshari sindur " to the forehead of god. Then she would hand me flower petals to put them on the top of the statue. She would ask me to put my hair behind and kneel to the feet of the statue.

She posing for the camera

It was all special to me to have that little bond. Later she was asking if i had any money which unfortunately i hadn't. So i offered to take pictures and she was really happy about it. At first i took her picture but later she was asking me to pose so she could take some of mine. It was with real excitement she was doing it. And all that time i was trying to figure a way to tell her the front camera is open. Hahah. So yeah she did take pictures of me. And we also took a selfie.
It was then time for me to go. She was again hoping i could hand her some money. She was a little disappointed but i guess it was OK with her. Yet i did check my bag(my mother uses it) and i  did find money yeah. 
While leaving she was trying to tell me something i hardly understood. I expressed that i was leaving in a scooter. She than waved at someone and i asked her if that is her mom. She nodded.
Now did we miscommunicate? I don't know.
But was all this special in its own way?
Yes it was. 
God bless us all.

Our selfie.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Curious quest !!!

Lately so much is going on inside my mind. I am having such an unsatiated quest. I want to know about the  beginning/start, the hows and the whys in between, the ending if any. I want to know not only what everybody knows, i want to go deeper and know that's not known to many. Like for example knowledge of the start, why  , how  of the World war or  of the glasses and their recycling.
So where did this sudden curiosity come from? It couldn't have started only now to uproar abruptly, Could it? I believe its a side everyone has , just probably hidden, if not out on open, in need of that trigger. And any trigger could possible put it into hiding again. 
A hungry  always finds a way to assuage his hunger!! Not always. Sometimes its the situation and some times the boundaries which we don't want to risk fighting in the conquest of satiating our hunger.
As a kid i had wanted to  read novels for the sake of knowing what it is like to be occupied by somebody else's word , imagination and experience. I did have short stories with me and i did read them over and over. But i wanted more. I wanted real. At that age I didn't know of public libraries . When i did come to know about them somehow it wasn't possible for me to go away from  home , alone, for the sake of book borrowing. It wouldn't have gone well with my parents. I probably would have been told to do it once i was on my own. I never tried persuading them though because of a history. Like any other parent here, our parents wanted us to focus only on books that was part of the school or college curriculum.

"Being on own" : wouldn't there be the chance of being so left behind by the time such a time comes? So am i suddenly trying to catch up? I know whats the state of my mind right now. I could imagine myself poring over books if only i could. I still have restrains. I cannot manage to be in a library poring over for hours and hours. A friend of my quoted only today morning "Isn't it too late to be obsessed with history?". Well better late than never right?

I want to learn now, not for my parents, not for the sake of any examination, or any IQ test, i just want to because i have an obsessed interest. I am learning for myself and if tomorrow i shall be suddenly bored that's completely fine with me.  Of course everything coming out from me is pointing to some craziness but hey everyone is crazy in one way or other.  Life suddenly gets a thrive with such generation of passion or obsession whatever you name it. Though it may be short lived it suddenly revives that small part of us.

Cheers to this crazy parts of us.


Adios.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

A day like yesterday

Could i get a day like yesterday?
He comes in white tshirt
And gives me a smile
I melt right there
 but fake a bold smile

We pass through the streets 
And eat our breakfast
Do the grocery shopping
We Buy some wine

He stares into my eyes
While i dive into his
The smile he gives
Puts me through chills


We talk of movies
And some paradox
He smokes some weed 
I try one two puff or three

Could i get a day like yesterday
Enamored by my sunshine's ray
Could i get another day
Where its just him and me
Could i get another day 
 Embraced in his arms
Could i get another day
Where its just him and me
And could i get another day clasped in his warm embrace

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Unspoken Feelings

I express it all in my unspoken words to you
But you never read them,
I express it all through my eyes 
Do you ever see?
 If you could break through this wall
That i hide under,
If only i could break the wall you take cover under,
May be i could see the words you havent said,
Or may be i would know i have been a flattered fool
May be , and may be you will see you make me crazy

So many things are unsaid between you and me,
But All i want is to know that you love me,
I wouldnt know how you spent 7 days of your week
And it all wouldnt matter if at the end,  its me you seek
Boozing with your pals, bossing around, charming some clients
At the end in my arms, if its where you wana be.
Yeah i wouldnt dig to know where you have been
Wouldnt give much thought on why you were up untill the morning
But only if i knew whom you seek
If only i knew its only me you are seeing

In this game of if, i am not sure whether you are bluffing
Having some round of games on me?

Yes baby, i am unsure but i am crazy
Whats the future here of you and me?
You say your are moving place
And i wouldnt stop you
But hell how would i do without getting to see you?
Cause now i m used to those small heart attacks you give me
Everytime you hold me and suprise me
A face flushing so red and to a voice growing so dull


If we are apart , let it only be in distance
No promises needed,
Just your honest feelings
Just your honest intention of our Forever,
And just the faith i will have my sunshine shining on me





Thursday, May 21, 2015

Yours to...

I m yours , to love
I m yours not, to torment
I m yours to embrace, to calm me down
I m yours not, to ignore as you please

I m yours as your pillow while you sleep on my lap
I m yours not, as just another lover 

I m yours to show me your love
I m yours to love every side of you
I m yours to stand beside you
I m yours in your struggle, sorrow and endeavor
I m yours in your dream, your reality
I m yours if you love me
And I m yours only if you want me

Monday, March 2, 2015

Incomplete


Out of my reach 
And out of my hands
So close yet so far
So different and unfamiliar
Yet not a stranger

Because you are so much of a mystery
And because i havent seen one like you  before
The way you see life and the way you handle life
And your determination and hardwork
You talk about looking at the big picture
But the little things you do arrests me

And All the memories you have made
Without me
And all the people who know you better than me
I envy

Alike the rainbow after the deluge
You are beautiful
Alike the smokes from the puffs of your cigarette
You disappear

But alike a moth enamored by the fire
So intriguing to me is the person that you are


Sunday, February 15, 2015

My Lucid Dream

I want to spread my arms
As wide as i can
Close my  eyes 
Shut everything off
And let myself go
Fall so deep
And as i fall
I want to fly 
As high as i can go

Live my dream
Feel the excitement of flying
No more as a dream
No more so real yet so dreamy feel
The clear blue sky above me
And oh so far the land is
I rest then upon the green grass ground
See the beautiful white clouds

Like a hot air balloon
In the sky
I see the beautiful mountains
Oh so beautiful they are
As i am flying 
Only my eyes and memories have them captured

My eyes open
I am in my bed
But i cant let go of my dream
So i wana spread my arms
As wide as i can
Shut my eyes off
And let myself go
Fall deep 
Fall so deep 
And as i almost touch the ground
I will find my wings....

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Question Mark

People often keep talking about freedom. About letting go. About smiling. About looking at brighter sides of life. But is it practical to look at the sunny sides of every event that happens in our life on everyday basis?

Yes we can laugh at a slip on a public road with hundreds of eyes laughing at our awkward fall but how do one laugh off when someone treats you like a trash? Or when your boss pressurizes you to work extra time without any respect for your dedication?
How do you laugh it off when your child snaps at you for trivial matters?
How do you laugh it off when you lose someone forever?
And how do you laugh it off when you love someone (and as the cold play's lyrics go) but it goes to waste?

Now philosophy would be to say love has to be selfless . Love is never a waste but bullshit every love is selfish in one way or other.
I mean we love them and that itself is one selfish act of our heart. And like it has been said we want people we love to be happy!! Why because we are selfish and seeing them happy gives us happiness.

And the next thing is how do you stop worrying about your future? Your current job? What you should do next?  How are you going to make things right?
The way the world and the people are running i have started to question my self whether "we are living to work or are we working to live?"
Are we supposed to run like this all our life? If yes wow where is life then?
Why has this world become so materliastic? Better were the stone aged days it seems where may be people were atleast living together with their families. 
Doesnt the movie "God must be crazy" speak volumes regarding this concern of mine?

And here the people of this world are busy fighting, killing, burning, claiming each other all in the name of their self invented "status" and "rules" and etc. Every now and then my cellphone's notification gets triggered with news feed from CNN and BBC about some plane crash or the Killing or robbery. 
In all this where is freedom? But life goes on. We move on. Is that freedom? No it isnot. Freedom isnot that dark.
Freedom i believe probably is something white, bright and light. 
I am yet to feel it. May be freedom is what heaven is. 



Monday, January 19, 2015

Evil world

No matter how much love you give , you will always fail to please people who never want to give you back enough.
Because they have set their eyes on pleasing people who dont love them.

You will bleed blood for them but all they will ever see is a scratched forehead of their haters.
And they will choose to get that scratch treated instead.

There is nothing we will take along with us upon our death yet we spend our whole life trying to claim so much. Do you get as sick as me sometimes
 in this race of claiming?
I wonder how tired she is of fighting?
I am. I am tired just by listening to her fight. I cant imagine how fierce and struggle full her fight possibly has been all along.

But is giving up the answer?
Its too easy to give up and just too difficult to keep fighting.
I want to come out of this. But every second of my life i feel like i am getting tangled even more. 

Life seems so perfect to the outsiders.
We cant even imagine what one is going through. Yet we are so quick to judge.

Why does this world serve the bad/ the evil/ the wrong?
Why is it so easy to be evil and so hard to be "the good"? Because good is good so shouldnt it be easy to be good because it brings good to all of us?
Yet this world is being ruled by "the bad".
Justice is no where around. Who is to bring justice and where is that "who"? We will be dead and into dust, everything will be dead and into dust by the time justice prevails.

Yet there always is a little hope that gets us going. To me hope is the most powerful thing on this earth. But Is it as powerful as the rule of the evil?
The answer to this question is yet to be found.