Sunday, August 28, 2016

Human Inhumane

She was a black cat. Pregnant at that unfortunate moment. Being black, was that her mistake? A witch as people often like to call to one similar to her.  Or the fact she lived with us? Who knows but those decent people? Why? Such a hideous act? I don’t know. Her bones in the back were broken, her unborn kittens fell off her womb, eating was a far-fetched story she couldn’t event excrete. It wasn’t enough until on another unfortunate day someone murdered her. And to this day it comes, again those little speechless (or at least a speech we devious human don’t deserve to understand), innocent little kitten of mine were attacked. He wasn’t black in colour! Oh no. But he limbs today. I can’t allay his pain or his fear. He is scared to come near to any human. He doesn’t understand.

God help me, may I never crave for someone’s flesh. No I don’t believe to ever be served justice from this society but if karma exist! Oh I want to curse, my heart is pained, but my ethics don’t teach me so. God help those decent people if karma only exist. I pray god, you don’t give them the same fate as my BLACK cat was served and my lil kitten is having for there is a difference in me and them. I would rather be accused then be called equal among them. I don’t expect solace, I only seek my heart’s desire to write this. For words are all I’ve got, I don’t know how to perform such an act of drama or to fake at such great levels. For I have endured it since I was also in my mother’s womb. But no complains because I never learnt to seek solace among this society. God bless us all. Give us good, show us good, make us pass the good sweet lord.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Darkness prevails

Its a serious disease.
And has to be treated. 
A friend of mine had discussed about it with me a long time ago. She told me that like our physical wound, our mentail illness has to be treated too. Its not madness. Its normal.

How to recognize depression?
I dont know. There are lots of research and papers we can read online. And we can also schedule ourself an appointment. There are even apps and test to help us indentify depression.

Today i want to share my story briefly.
All so i can fight my current state too.

I dont know what depression is. I dont know what my current state is. 
But i can feel so much of negativity inside of me. I took a test and i got a mild score. I know if i stay for few more days like this, my state will get worse.
I skipped futsal. And i skipped swimming. And i stayed alone these two days. And my condition has only gotten worse by now.

And as worse it gets, as worse i make. I dont talk to anyone. I dont eat. I sleep the whole time. My mind is busy processing my thoughts. I question my existence. I question my importance. I start to dismiss all the people as failures. My friends and their absence starts to fuel up my dismissal of them. I become so negative and rude that if someone is talking to me they will end up absorbing my negativity too. You can try telling people you are having a bad day and to let be. But its hard to find anyone who will understand. Thats when things get harder and worsens.
This has happened to me before. If i stay alone , if i am not out there busy in stuffs, this whole negativity thing catches me.
You know its all wrong but its so hard to escape it. The weight feels so real. 
I recently lost my cat too. Somebody hit her, making her lose her unborn kittens and few days after she left home and havent returned: probably dead. Its been a month or more now. May be thats why after a really long time i am going through this state. May be if my cat was home i would have felt way better. I know so because i, only few hours ago, heard a kid's voice though for only few seconds, and instanly it lightened me only to be covered with those dark dark vibes again later.

No, this things dont happen becase of a break up, job loss or anything. Its a trigger and probably needs no reason. 
But exercise, activity and out with friends and family helps. I tried to go out today but i failed myself. I skipped.

And so i am writing all of this. 
Be strong.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Days of life

Lifeless am i?
Laying down
On my bed
I cant move
I can see
I cant hear
Thoughts have conjested

A cup of tea i ask
Nd a bed to sleep
And let me live in peace
12 inch washing tub
Placed in my bedroom 
I have shame but had no washroom
So let me live in peace

So the other day i text ya know?
My bunch of people
I tell em am tensed got some problem at work
Ya know they were tensed equally?
Alas not a lil trace of it for me , shoot.

Why are you scared? Did you do something wrong?
Am only human, too much on my mind, you only add to my pain

Oh my mother don't know
But she has nothing to worry about
She asks me to help her
But i cant move a feet
She is tired of physical pain
I am tired of my thoughts

At nights i awoke, there was a fight i had to win
Asked for help
And now the enemy is butchering me
My body lies in my bed
I cant move a feet
I can only see
My heart is so heavy
Weaving thoughts and weeping salt
But Am not hungry
Plunging into darkness
I have lost the will
Can I get up?
Can i move my feet?
Why am i so heavy?