Friday, April 12, 2013

A Morning That was dark


A morning that was dark:


There was something about her eyes that touched my heart. It reached my soul every time she looked at me. Her eyes always looked towards me with hope. Every time she heard my voice, she would come running. Her little feet would run as fast as it could. And she would look around if she didn't find me, search for me through her eyes. There was something about her eyes. I can still remember it very precisely. Mom had made her a little home. She was a lil puppy born to a stray dog around our home.  All her brothers and sisters had died already.
I have, at many nights found myself helpless, hearing those puppies crying because of cold. They would be crying the whole night. Their mother had left them. She wouldn't stay with them.  And no matter how many sacks or boxes we put up for them, they would still be cold on those chilly cold January nights.
Sometimes I would go down and try to light fire and try to make them warm. Every day I prayed for the sun to rise early. And as the night would start to grow, I would worry, I couldn't do anything more. I felt helpless. I would pray to god to help them. One after another, they started dying. Mom would bury their bodies nearby. They were suffering from scabies as well that got communicated to them from their mother. I remember one of the puppy had its legs and hands cramped, it couldn't see well either. It was sick. And eventually it died one day after suffering the whole night.
 She was the only one left. I had vacations. And so instead of my mom  I would go to give her food and sometimes I would stay around and see her wandering. Every time I called her or if she just heard my voice she would come running. And she would look for food. That was funny because even if sometimes I was talking to someone else she would run towards the place where I used to give her the food. And then wait for me. And I had to go up to my kitchen and bring food for her because she would look at me with her eyes that had hope on them, her small, black and beautiful eyes. She used to play with herself and at times put herself in trouble. Once she got glued to some sticky stuff.  And I had to struggle to get those glues off her body.
Whenever I went down to give her food. I needed to stay there until she finished eating or she felt full. Otherwise, the big dogs would eat all that up. So  I would just sit around nearby and look at her innocence. She would eat a little and then take a round and come back and eat a little and take a small round again and eat. She always did this. And it always made me laugh.
The winter wasn't so cold now.  May be it was still too cold for her. But she seemed fine to me. It was late morning.  I was washing clothes.  She probably heard my voice but she wasn't anywhere. I thought to myself may be she is sleeping, maybe she just want to sleep that’s why she didn't come out to have the food either. I didn't give too much thought to it. I was busy washing the clothes. Then I left the clothes to dry. It was already too sunny. She should have been out by now. But she wasn't. I called her, but she wasn't responding at all. I was already so scared. Then I pulled up the sack that had been covering the box where she used to sleep the one that mom made for her. There she was sleeping.  The food mom gave the other night it was still there but half eaten. I called her again "kalu, kalu, maam khanu aau" , come outside and have the food. She didn't respond. My eyes were teary already. I couldn't dare myself to poke her. So I grabbed a soft stick and poked her. Her body was hard, it felt like rock. She was into the another world already. I left the place. I went up and into the mirror I stared, cried, questioned. Was she sick? she looked fine!!  I blamed the government, the system because at countries like USA the stray dogs are taken care of. And here we have to think too many times before even calling a vet to check our pets because there is so much they don’t know. There is so less facility.  Animals are treated as trash. In fact here even humans are treated as trash. The entire world is surrounded with inhumanity. And everyone is living as if they owned this world. They can have papers and legal documents but that doesn't make them owe the nature. Does it??
 Too many things were going on inside my mind. Mom came home from her work. I told her about kalu's death. And I asked mom to bury her as well. She was busy. Kalu's body was still lying in there. The next day I brought myself together and picked up her body and buried her alongside her brothers and sisters. Her eyes were closed. It can no more cut through my soul anymore I thought to myself.
I prayed to god, maybe this is the best that could have happened to her. Maybe she is somewhere good.
I won’t ever forget those eyes.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

DSAP(digital signal processing)

When i was in 1st semester of Engineering, I heard about "filters"a lot like how  difficult it is and bla bla n bla. By then, we had studied filter too. And it was quite easy. Lpf(low pass filter),  Hpf(high pass filter), Bpf(band pass filter) and I used to wonder how complex could this be, why is it such a topic of discussion among the 4th year students. Yesterday,  me n my friend, we studied from 9am to 4pm almost continuously and all we could cover was 5 hellish pages and I swear there was  more than 50% of the things we found out we have to learn by heart and there is no any other way out. All this  because there is a subject "filter" which is not in our syllabus  but again there is a subject named "DSAP" which is father of great grand father of toughest subjects which is in our syllabus and we have to have a good knowledge of Fourier transform, convolution, etc etc and not to forget "filter" to understand its course of contents. But how are we supposed to have any knowledge about a subject we have never studied? And its not a story book but just derivations, derivations and formulas. It would have been a help if we had a good tutor, but no lying all that our so called teacher did was speak some foreign language(out of the world language) that was impossible to get. Any question we asked, the answer would be same: " you have studied about it in previous class, turn the pages and see for it" or "don't you study at home??" or the most famous one "we will talk about this in the numerical". 3 days and 7 hours and still DSAP is a subject of question mark.

Friday, March 1, 2013

My Drug is MUSIC



What does getting high really mean??
  Is it being out of our mind, not being able to think rationally,  
having all the crazy thoughts, getting stupid courage for stupid  
things?
Well i get high from music.
Its the best medication to heal me
and the worst possible medication to harm me as well.
It takes me to heaven and to hell.
It swings my mood.
There's a difference though, getting high having weeds and getting high  
listening to music.
I haven't ever tried the first one but as far as i know
it makes you forget your worries most of the time... Em now that i  
think of it yes music does that too.

But when music haunts you, it haunts you real bad. All the  
wrong decisions of your life, all the people/friends you have hurt,  
all the things you did wrong and all things/ people who did you wrong
every possible sorrow or grief you have been trying to suppress for so  
long takes over your mind
and you cant do anything but feel helpless, wonder at the time that  
has past, a time you cannot change.
The best thing for you to do, is to realize its not too late to compensate for the  
mistake but its easier said than done.
You cannot please everyone in your life
You cannot make everyone happy.

I feel helpless at a situation when music puts me to hell.
I should change my major to psychology, coz i cant fight this feeling.
what kind of feeling is this?? Is it sadness, confusion, madness?? What really  
is this situation?

But i guess its equal to getting high, you dunno Wat u really are, sad confused or  
mad.


May b because everything, you've been hiding within u, trying to overcome or  
forget bursts out n stresses your mind and you just dunno Wat n how you  
are feeling.

Writing this all eases me.
And i  read it somewhere, writing relieves a Lil of your stress.