Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Memories of a beating heart

Could write books on memories
Couldn't we?
But there our brain is
Erasing events, erasing embarrassments
So some we cherish, some we forget
Happy moments, heartbreaking moments
lonely moments, sociable moments
Some we cherish some we forget

Fights and fights,
Laughs and Laughs
Yelling and Crying
Cursing and Missing
Acceptance and Rejection
Complexity and Confusion

And different expectations

Needing space, needing compassion
Two opposite poles or two sides of coin?
Misunderstandings and regrets
Overthinking and accusing
Upset faces, anger and disappointment 

I miss you but this ends here
Want no pilot knocking my door
Taking control of my life
It’s already driven by my fears
Fears of failure 
Fears of my mother
Fears of judgemental society
Fears of unknown

Memories is all I have now
And I miss you
But this has to be the end
And I miss you
Although it not upto you to accept


Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Hush Hush

Hush hush
Don’t talk. People judge you.
Hush hush 
Don’t share people talk you.
And hush hush
Don’t open, people operate on you
And hush hush
Don’t blog, people read you

Hush hush
Cover up, opinions are aiming you
Hush hush
Hide under, bullets come to you
And hush hush
Run, they all chase you
And hush hush
Keep quiet, they might hear you

The decisions are made,
Your life is planned,
22 to get a degree,
A child before 30
Hush Hush,
Who are they decide
Live your life by your wish

Friday, February 9, 2018

Hollow Emotion Part 2

Maria walks into the class room. Its empty. The windows are open and the wind is blowing. The soft breeze whispers in her hair "You are hollow". A slight tear drops down through her eyes. I am hollow. She repeats on her mind. She recalls her conversation with Bonny.
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Maria: I am sorry, but I don't feel that way about you. May be not a million times but I have said it enough times why don't you understand?

Bonny: Because I like you and I cannot stop myself from caring about you. I feel like we have this connection. I have this hope I want to hold onto. May be if I could show you my heart then you could see that I am mad about you. I have tried to stop caring and just move on. But, every time I do, I fall for you harder.

Maria feels sad as she recalls this conversation. She has told Bonny she has no romantic feelings. Somehow, Bonny does not accept it. Bonny is hoping they have a chance of having a happy ending.

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All she wants is a company of a true friend. A friend who does not bitch about you behind your back. A friend who cares about you because they just do. A friend who is not expecting any romantic endeavours from you. A friend who is there just to be your friend. She just wants someone to come into her life to stay. To stay in her good times and her bad ones. To stay so they can laugh about the old days in old years.

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I care about you. As a friend, I care about you. I want you to stay. As a friend, I want you to stay. I am sorry I am too friendly for my own good. May be my nature presents myself as interested. How wrong but that is. I am not doing fine.
With this thoughts on her mind, she stops abruptly. Abruptly because she sees some eyes staring into her mind. Like someone is reading through her lines. She stops. No she cannot explain. No, nobody understands. Its tragic to be in a one sided love. Its even more tragic at times to be on the other side of the story of one sided love. You care about them, and you know they wont stay. You cannot ask them to stay cause that would be too selfish. You don't feel a thing because you are hollow. Nothing romantic on your side. And you are sad to realise may be you are loosing someone that really cared for you.

But stop. Please stop. This is a one way traffic. Its a single handshaking. Its apple and not strawberry.

Hollow Emotion Part 1


I listen to love songs and cry. I cry because it feels so much. I cry because I start making stories on my head. I am writing story for someone else. Placing myself in the position of my character, I cry. I imagine.

I have been living in my imaginations for so long. I have my own world. Coming into reality is just too depressing. I fear I can never feel the same way again. Without the fear of being judged, without the fear of being criticized or feeling stupid, I haven’t loved for a long time now.

Sometimes I cry by the attention I get. Because they give me so much care and I give nothing in return. I have nothing to give. I am so empty. I have become so hollow. I was sitting and pondering why, when I have people in my life who shows they care, I cannot respond with similar emotion.

Friday, December 29, 2017

Give me a true smile

You are a question
You are a mystery
You make me wonder 
Could I help you?

Your eyes are liars
You words are fires
You hurt my intentions
You are a mystery

A burden on my chest
A gulp on my throat
You deserve just so much more

You are weird and that’s ok
But mysteries I wanna solve
Why do you always sleep?
So rude sometimes and so caring another day

It’s so cold and you wear no coat
Lost them both, it’s not your fault
Why you laugh for no reason
And sleep all the time
Damien rice and hozier keeps playing on rhyme 

You are mystery 
Be a happy one
Weird is your presence 
Be a crazy one 
Playing alone the strings of guitar
Headphones are on your ear
Please give me a true smile
Your heart is pure, so be your smile

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Veg Non veg

This post is dedicated to my journey of vegetarianism. My journey of being a vegetarian was not a random decision of my life. It did not happen in a snap. And please note it in advance I am not here to judge anyone. 
My aunt has been a vegetarian since she was a little kid. It won’t be wrong to say My mama has been a vegetarian all his life. These two peoples although belonging to a newar family practiced vegetarianism and my grand mother had been supportive of this. My aunt chose to not eat meat for the sake of not consciously killing and eating a soul. My mama, he is such a sober man. His body does not agree with meat or alcohol.
I have been around them. I used to be very close to my aunt. Hence, she definitely influenced my decision, not by telling me I should stop, but through her act of living a life of vegetarian.

Secondly, I have lived my life around animals. We always had a dog at home. We had hens, we had rabbits. I think I learnt to empathise with them because I grew up being their friends , their big sister, sometimes even their small kiddo sister. I have known the pain of losing them.
As a kid, I never realised what eating meat really was. The whole idea of killing an animal for the sake of our taste bud never struck me. as wrong or right. But as I started to grow, as I started to realise that “Actors in a movie don’t die for real.  The same actor is seen in another movie not because it’s their second life. The moon is not following us. I wont die by chewing a gum. “, I also started to realise the reality of meat business. I came across the scenes as “dragging a goat for killing it, tying hens upside down on two sides of leg guards of a bike to sell them for meat” a lot many times,  but slowly these things started affecting me. 

I was not a meat-holic ever, but I ate nevertheless. My tongue liked the taste of it. But, it started to get very hard to swallow my food with meat. I could not. I just could not. I remember very vividly the day I last ate meat knowingly and purposely. I couldn’t eat more than two spoons of rice. The whole image of slaughter and torture to animals played again and again. I cried. I cried so much. And from then and there I have not returned back. I hope I never have to return back. I hope I never fall so weak. 
This happened back in 2008. 
I am healthy. I am strong. I am not nutrient deprived. And I am so full of energy. 
Now almost 10 years from my amazing journey, I have learnt one more thing. 
Until few weeks back I had no idea how the milk comes from an animal. I had no idea how cows and buffalos give milk. I thought they are cows /buffalos and it just comes. I was so wrong and stupid. The dairy farm is such a mess too. But I’ll come back here later.

Almost 10 years and there are hardly days where these whole “being a vegetarian” things does not come up. Honestly, I am so tired and so frustrated with all the nagging and pointing I get for this. 
Some call it fashion, some call it attention seeking, some call it “trying to look good, trying to be different”. And almost everyone tells me “Why do you eat plant?”.
I know I post a lot about animals, about vegetarian way of life.  Most of the times it’s only to let people know what is happening. Yes, I agree I get really sad during Dashain and make post to make people feel responsible. But mostly just so everyone knows what they are dealing with. I don’t tell people around “leave meat, why are you eating meat and bla bla”.  It’s my decision to not eat meat just like it’s your decision to eat meat. I don’t support your way but I don’t hate you for eating it. I don’t think less of your for it ( except at few times when you behave so irrational). Few years back it was hard to find proper vegetarian food outside of Home. Now it’s become much better. I am not so good with eating healthy balanced diet. So it’s already a hard life for me. You nagging me all the time, pointing fingers at me all the time makes it more difficult. Your questions are stupid, your reasoning are stupid too. You calling me dumb makes you dumber. Don’t support me, it's okay but please don’t nag me. 

I remember, during my first year of vegetarianism, one of my best friend when we were out said “ agadi masu leraera rakhdyo vane sab khancha hola (I can bet she will devour the plate if we bring meat in front of her)” and they laughed at me. There was more but let’s not go there. 
“Anda khancha? Esto ni vegetarian?”
I started eating eggs after I knew most of the commercially sold eggs are not fertilised. Although now I have kind of left it again for other reason. Anyways, what I am trying to say is: I am trying my best to live a life that does not harm animals. I can, ill do it. I can’t, I won’t give up but keep trying. But My non vegetarian friends wont understand this.

I know since ages humans have relied on meat. That has been our evolution. But we are sentient beings. We have the power to give justice. The innocent animals that are reared, cannot speak up for themselves. Their shrieks and pleading are unheard. We can bring change in their life and give them the life they deserve. To talk about plant saving, in the meat business animals are fed more than they should be so they sale for more money. Those extra plant feeding if fed to world population will solve hunger problems across the world. This is according to a recent study. If you don’t believe me google it. If I am wrong educate me. 
Talking about life cycle. Let nature do that. We are destroying nature is so many ways and you are giving life cycle as a problem?

And now I want to try as much as I can to adopt a life of a vegan. It’s difficult and I might not completely do it but I want to give it a try. Please don’t point fingers at me, don’t demotivate me. If you are worried about me look for alternatives instead. Don’t call me dumb. I am not. I am fully aware of my decision. I am sorry but it hurts me to see an animal being tied up in their neck and tail and transported a long way crumbled in a truck. If you feel pain making long travels even when you take business class plane tickets, can you imagine the pain of those innocent animals? I have seen them cry. To see their life after their truck, their future in a blink: "Death", how is that pleasing at all?. I am sorry but I am made this way. Just like you are made your way. It’s difficult for you to give meat up, that’s okay. That’s understandable.  But it’s not difficult to educate yourself about the reality of meat business, the reality of dairy business.  You don’t have to stop eating meat, but be aware and be “non non-supportive” on veganism or vegetarianism. Learn where you meat comes from, learn how fully animals enjoy living life like you do, learn how dairy products come from and ask yourself is there nothing you can do for them? Is there nothing you can do for them?
Let’s make as small change as we can. It’s the ripple that brings a wave.
If you disagree send me a message or leave a comment. Let us discuss this once and for all. 

Friday, November 3, 2017

Black Friday

In a constant debate of writing or not writing about today, you can tell i decided to write anyway. Today is one of the worst days of my life.
Let me just recall my day first so I can explain why its one of the worst days ever.
My day starts with "constant" struggle of sleeping few more mins and waking up. I then quickly change and head for washroom, where i remember (this happens almost everyday) i have forgotten my morning medicines. I take my meds, then head for Puja room and start doing the chores there. Lemme tell you, just getting everything ready to start puja takes around an hour. And this is a daily routine. So lets skip to the part of me heading to office, almost everyday without having any breakfast. This routine of mine makes me hungry when I reach my workplace. Since today is Friday, our canteen runs out of bakery items. Therefore, I decided to head down to the nearest bakery store and buy myself some breakfast. As I was returning back, the vehicles were stuck in red light( stop, don't go signal of traffic police). The zebra crossing, hardly visible , had a crowd of vehicles. As i was crossing the road I saw a man checking out my chest. It made me so conscious I quickly rechecked to confirm that my dress wasn't showing up anything revealing. With all this thoughts and more on my mind suddenly I hear a woman's shriek. This woman, as most of us, had flouted traffic rules and was coming from the wrong lane, and as all of us do, wasn't even slowing down on the zebra crossing.
My mistake was I did not think twice that I should be conscious of my right side of the road as well even if I am already on the other side of the lane.
I must say I was pretty lucky the accident wasn't any serious. I know many ways of how this could have gone worse yet that is least of my worry. You may think this is why today became one of the worst day of my life but that would have been easy.
I am the type of person who has to share even the slightest of the incidents that happens in my life. But today I had no one I wanted to share this with. In fact, I felt so hollow post the incident. Hollow because I know no one is worth sharing this. That is why I had my internal debate about writing this in my blog because I know some of you might read this.
I made myself busy today with work. My mind was busy thinking about others. I was wishing my one friend stayed away from my other friend because I don't trust him to be a good life partner material. I was thinking of how some of my friends should focus more on their personal and career development rather than roam around wasting their time. I can't stop not thinking for others. I should not interfere in their life, let them deal with it, trust them with it. May be I am not interfering physically but Mentally? Darn, I should STOP. No matter how well my intentions are sometimes i should stop thinking for others. I should focus on me today. Shouldn't I? My problem should be why I am not pondering over "What if the bike had hit me and I would have at worst case died? SO WHAT IN LIFE SHOULD I IMMEDIATELY START DOING AND CHANGING?". Is My change isolation?
Isolation, solitude , alone time are all good if you keep your thoughts in check. Alas, worst if your thoughts keep you in play.
My thoughts make me feel alone even when I am surrounded. My blog is being darker and darker. I want to write poems not this. I want to write poems about being in love, about giving love. I miss that emotion, that flow of thoughts. Even if it pained, it kept me warm.
I think of my cat. Her last moments. Almost everyday. I relive that night, Helplessness. Mistake. Carelessness. She could have been saved.
I think of my dog. May be he is in a better place too. I miss him silently. I miss him in my heart.
All the things I shared with my friends, I do it all alone.
I lost my cat and my dog this year.  With them i lost a very large bit of my heart. The bits that had some emotions are becoming hollow.  I want to feel. I want to care. I care even today. But I want to care with happy emotions......
I want to ponder..............
I want to be strong.........
I want to write poems....
I want to radiate happiness.............
I want to be everything that I was once.
I was loud and happy. I am just loud today.
I was childish but happy. I am still kiddish, just not happy.
I was careless but enjoyed. I am careless and hate it.