Friday, September 26, 2014

Time

Insomnia or dwelling i cant define. But just the realization of how time has passed from yesterday to today has made me sleepless.
Time moves in its normal pace always.
But some moments or part of our lives as we look back seem as if it moved "slow" or "fast" or "too fast". 

From our mother's womb to where we are now, that is how much time has passed.
That never ending long traffic jams to the too quickly ending laughter moments with our dear ones, time always has been at the same speed.
If only we could hit "slow" at  our great and happy moments , "fast" at the sad moments, like some how we could manipulate time, if only.
Would things be same if we could manipulate time as we pleased?
Will our eyes have tears on them when cherishing school memories? 
If we had 48 hours in a day how would you be living your life?

Would schools run for 6 more hours? 
Would office run 8 more hours?
How many times would we eat?
Would this world be a better place then?

In the hands of time, we lose so much. We lose our favourite toys, our teeth, our notes, money.
We lose friends, we lose friendship. We lose people. We lose trust. We lose love. We also lose life sometimes, and by this what i mean is  we forget to live life, being busy in too many unimportant things instead of living the moments.
Strangers become friends and friends become  strangers. An undergrad becomes a graduate , a son becomes a father. A homeless gets home.
We gain friends, we gain friendship, we gain trust, we gain love, we gain understanding, we gain moments. 

Everything will be lost and dead with time but moments live forever. 
As someone great once said 
"The only thing one owns is the moment they are living".
This moment is mine. 
Thats what we need to tell ourselves.
Yes its hard to run along with time so we often get left behind. And we dwell in that loss but by doing that we are only keeping ourself further behind.

So let us all live in the moment. Lets remember our yester years , our happy moments, our sad moments, our ok moments but without letting them effect our present in any bad way. 
Did i just write nonsense here? 
I dont know.
But am i happy about it?
Yes. I am going to look back and laugh at this some day ;)
Take care 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Puffs of dashain

"Baba what are you going to buy for me? Baba please we will buy a new cap ok? Baba we will also buy a spiderman dress for me. Is it fine baba? When will we go baba? All of my friends at school are showing off their new toys already."

Hari recalls what his son was asking him this morning when he went to drop his son, mohan to school.
After taking another puff from the cigarette, he puts his hand inside his pant's pocket. Rs 500, that was all he had in there. Rs 500 is not enough to celebrate as big a festival as dashain. 


Next morning during breakfast .....

Mohan: "Baba today is half day at school, please take me shopping. We will go to that big city ok baba?"

Hari: "Yes sure my dearest son. We will go to the city and buy too many things from the bazaar."

........................…


"Baba you told me we will buy a lot of thing but what did you let me buy? Nothing!!
You lied to me. I will jump from this bus window and die "
Mohan was sobbing.
Hari: "Chora(son) dont be silly why would you jump from this bus window? Its not good manners to say such things."
Mohan: "Why do you care its my life that i am taking not yours?"

.........
An announcer shouting "SALE SALE SALE.
Every item @ just Rs 125 ". 

.......
Mohan: "Baba this is the same toy i was looking the other day. Wow a new cap too and a tshirt......"

Hari feels pleased seeing that joy on his son's face.

..................

Dashain is about family, about togetherness , about making good memories rather than about spending more than you can or more than you should. Its about killing lone rather than taking loan. Its about small happiness with big impact.
So enjoy your dashain , make your loved ones happy .
Buy our dashain cards at a reasonale price , just Rs 2 per card . 
Just kidding.
Happy dashain

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Trivial fear

Deep. Its deep. The emotion that is controlling me right now is deep. I am feeling some anxiety, fear, insecurity. I am scared.
"I dont love you"
"I am sorry but i never loved you like......"
Her words are echoing through me deep. Deep.



Through this abandoned and outmoded park i see a setting sun. A deep tenebrous shade of red has beseiged the clouds. The tree above me is hallowing in pain or is it screaming dance of joy? I am staring at the horizon.

"Damn I am a man, for God's sake stop. Please." -I tell myself. I cant find a tissue, who carries it anyway?
They are not stopping. "What the fish? "
I travelled some pretty miles, crossed some pretty villages , climbed some pretty tough hills , hungry as hell but no appetite, all this hardship so that voice would stop echoing through my whole body, those memories of her would estrange from my heart but these tears of pain are the only thing besides my body sweat that has estranged from my body leaving me dehydrated. 

I loved her. For once in my life i loved someone with all my heart. For once in my life i let go to fall deep.  For once in my life i wanted to feel love. 

From the very early age i could feel and tell that my mother just didnot care. There was no value of my being to her or to my father. I was just a responsibilty they probably detested to fulfill. 
The last time we three sat together to eat was 9 years ago, On my 10th birthday. That was the last day of me seeking affection from them. Now they are at two different corners of the world and i am where i was always.

Life is so atrocious, isnt it?
She promised me of love but drained me and left me.
The hardest part is realizing what we had , how we were , isnot what we are now. Infact there is no we anymore. 
Fudge i had even started to pray again just for her. I was seeing my dreams , my future , my happiness , my life with her probably why i got so blinded that i couldnot see........

"I am sorry but she never loved him like the way he loved her".Thats how she chose to confess to me.  Yeah right my sweets like you ever loved me anyway. She  couldnot even say it " i never loved you" directly to me.
Because love just doesnt die as easy as hers did.
 And with those words of her i was back into the darkness. Back into where i was, into my solitude. 

Few days ago, her status on facebook was 
"Enjoying so much with friends" .
I sent a like. She was online. 
Was she talking to some other guy? Is she seeing someone already? May be not,Unavoidable it is though. She will eventually fall for someone. But just even thinking of her liking someone else kills me. And she never loved me anyway. She was never mine to love so why am i so scared of losing something i never had?

Love is a privileage i cannot afford . I am broken beyond repair. 

And the stars are out, the sun has died, the clouds are barging in, lightning then thunderstorm follows and follows deluge. 
I close my eyes as i wait to be bedraggled and be swallowed by the darkness as i close my eyes for the search of peace.