Saturday, October 7, 2017

John Doe's diary

Following is a page from a diary of a 21-year-old geek guy named John Doe that I am sharing with you said Miss Lou.
Miss Lou: "Amy will you please pass the hands out to the whole class."

I turn over the page. It reads out as so:

"Infinite loop. It’s not a very uncommon word in my field. Today I want to dedicate my post to explain what is infinite loop and how I relate to it. Infinite loop means going around and round the same iteration in a never-ending circle. 
"I hate my life. Yet I realize life is precious. It’s amazing. It’s wonderful and we should be thankful. I love my life. Yet I hate my life."
Above is an illustration of an infinite loop.
I am doing things I don't want to do. I am bound to things I don't want to be bound to. I feel responsible yet it's not how I imagine being responsible. And I fucking hate my life. I feel so suffocated. I feel so trapped. I don't even have my wings coz it’s been chopped off. I am going to snap, I keep snapping. I want peace. I want to write about happy things. I don't want each of my post to be about how miserable I feel about my life. I don't want to vent on my dear blog. It’s so dear to me. It came to me when I was in such an imbalance.  
Religion is for guidance, or at least it should be.  Praying is for peace, or at least it should be.
You don't force religion or culture onto someone. 
I don't want to be forced to do things. More than that I don't want to be made feel guilty over not doing as said. I don't want someone to control me, to tell me what I should do, how I should do, what I shouldn't miss.
The constant: "you are selfish, you are a disgrace, you are a bitch, you are a slut, you disappointed me, I don't want to live, I had hopes over you but you are as selfish as your father and I have no one in this world now. " etc everyday dose of this is what I don't want.
I have to take meds every morning which I often forget but never am I skeptical on not getting my daily dose of torture. I know this is bad thing that I am writing. I understand a lot. But it’s so hard to maintain peace in your heart with all this, is it not?? It’s killing me in the inside. It's draining me. I am sick of venting, I am sick of complaining. I am sick of being a person who bitches. Moreover, I am sick of me right now. I want to love me.  But I don't. I want to love me and everyone but I can't. Someone comes and says they love me and I feel nothing. I don't even believe in its existence. I don't believe in anything positive. I am dying. Not physically. I am dying mentally. Sometimes I wish my disease was something else, so critical of me missing my medicine dose that I fall sicker. 
I feel my friends only call me when they need me. Someone needs a recommendation in their LinkedIn which they don't return. Someone needs my books, someone needs me to get them their experience letter, someone needs me to listen. It's good. It's s good to be there for your friends and family. It feels good to make them feel good but who is there for me? At least none of the above. "

Right then the bell rings. Class is over. Miss Lou says she will discuss more on this later and our assignment is to analyse every word on this diary. I think I'll just copy paste my answers with minor changes of word selection.