Insight through Words

My silence My shriek My violence My peace My laughter  Or my tears Is all me Defined and moulded By the comfort  By the environment By the people By the understanding May be i am weak. But at times i just want to leave every bondage, A thought everyone gets once or twice or may be more often. Chatterbox, agressive. Yet i cannot speak, or convince or explain. When i am really hurt, I chose silence over everything. When i am really angry, I chose violence over everything. Voilence with words. Wrong words. Words i don't mean. When someone misunderstands, I chose hurt over explanation.

I remember the time exactly , which inflicted this dread for this day. It wasnt anything huge. Yet i dont understand the effects of it that hasnt faded away, being more worse with passing year. My composition, my thoughts, my behaviour everything shouts for SOS. To wish you were never born, to wish you never existed, the self realization of no worthy achievement, the realization of a life that has been useless.  I wish i could erase this day from my life. I dread the phone calls, the texts of a "happy birthday" wish. A year gone with no self satisfying achievement. I am where i was years from today. The same nagging, the same ...... Loathe.  Hate. Why so? I am bound.  I cannot change i cannot choose. I cannot explain. I cannot console. I cannot forget.  Could i forgive? Whom?  Myself? Why? For my laziness.

Starry skies Some shine yellow bright Some are dim white Some have formed shapes While some are companionless Pitch dark the night is Black shades form fifty Tapping water from the tank or tap From Faraway comes the sound of the dancing beck Around are multi-colored flowers And are around huts so pretty Across the bare field standing alone Yet companies me a dog erratically barking Now I start feeling the cold  Shivering through my spine Some hikers are already deep asleep While some are committing fun crimes And Some I hear whispering as I walk past  Barks of dog and overflowing water  Sounds of the river and the cold windy dark night Shivering I go to sleep, turns are cold  And awake is my sleep Its early morning Pitch dark changes by time its shades Taking deep breathe of air so cold I open my eyes to a view of gold Machaphhuchre and Annapurna 3 Reflecting sunlight from it's golden acme -ghandruk 201