Thursday, December 27, 2018

Internal Conflicts

This morning I was telling myself that life is precious. I was telling my self I should not let any negative thoughts cross my mind. Having watched Black hawk down, although I know there a lot of better movies and honestly i did not like the whole idea of how the movie portrayed the action of US or UN high authorities as justifiable, the fact remains that in the name of war and politics, lives are lost. Again I was reminded of how important life is. I was happy I was having this good thoughts.
Alas, momentary it was. We let our lives be controlled by others so much that we feel this life does not belong to us, but just belongs to a hypocrite here to please everyone around. I want to slap myself because i cannot tell someone to keep their opinion, or hypocrisy to themselves. I cannot tell someone they have hurt me. And it comes out as rage, it comes out from me as a form of rudeness. May be, it also comes out with negative thoughts. As I am typing, I am having the urge.......
Stop controlling my life. You are not my brother or my mother or my father. And you sure as hell are not my sister. STOP. STOP. STOP. You do me more harm than you do me good by being strict with me. I am not a 13 year old teenager. Let me make my mistakes. Let me deal with it. I have done worst things in life other than saying or doing little things that is unprofessional of me. And i have learnt from those mistakes. They have been a lesson in shaping me. So, stop controlling my life. Next time, i might just say it to you. You don't have to act like my guardian. Because a true guardian does not stop you. 

Morning at Sailung

5:50 AM: The orange lining of the sky beautified the dawn. The cold wind was rustling as it danced in rhythm with the leaves and branches of the trees around and reddening our noses as we breathed in the fresh cold air. We were cold on the outside with every touch of the chilling breeze and warming up from the inside with every struggling step nearing the tower. Finally, when we reached the top of the view tower, we were left breathless and enthralled as the mountain range and the many hillocks all around the tower came into view. Rightly named, the place with the view of 100 hillocks i.e. Sai-lung, today was glowing from the light of the bright and full moon in the west while we waited for the sun to rise from the east. At 6:46pm, we finally saw a glimpse of a ray of light. The sun was rising. Everyone geared up and were ready to capture the majestic moment in any way they could. The sun rose like no other day. The sun rose like none of us had ever seen before. Like a bulging fire, the sun rose and as it rose, it painted the Everest region golden. And with every second, the ray shot the colors of gold to Rolwaling, Ganesh, Langtang and Annapurna range. The view of the golden mountains, the full moon and the glowing sun, the chilly mist below the mountain lines, overlooking so many hillocks in the 360-degree view enraptured us.  We posed and captured the bewitching panorama in every way we could and finally at 7:30 we came back to reality. The reality that we had a long way to go back home and time was crucial. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Memories of a beating heart

Could write books on memories
Couldn't we?
But there our brain is
Erasing events, erasing embarrassments
So some we cherish, some we forget
Happy moments, heartbreaking moments
lonely moments, sociable moments
Some we cherish some we forget

Fights and fights,
Laughs and Laughs
Yelling and Crying
Cursing and Missing
Acceptance and Rejection
Complexity and Confusion

And different expectations

Needing space, needing compassion
Two opposite poles or two sides of coin?
Misunderstandings and regrets
Overthinking and accusing
Upset faces, anger and disappointment 

I miss you but this ends here
Want no pilot knocking my door
Taking control of my life
It’s already driven by my fears
Fears of failure 
Fears of my mother
Fears of judgemental society
Fears of unknown

Memories is all I have now
And I miss you
But this has to be the end
And I miss you
Although it not upto you to accept


Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Hush Hush

Hush hush
Don’t talk. People judge you.
Hush hush 
Don’t share people talk you.
And hush hush
Don’t open, people operate on you
And hush hush
Don’t blog, people read you

Hush hush
Cover up, opinions are aiming you
Hush hush
Hide under, bullets come to you
And hush hush
Run, they all chase you
And hush hush
Keep quiet, they might hear you

The decisions are made,
Your life is planned,
22 to get a degree,
A child before 30
Hush Hush,
Who are they decide
Live your life by your wish

Friday, February 9, 2018

Hollow Emotion Part 2

Maria walks into the class room. Its empty. The windows are open and the wind is blowing. The soft breeze whispers in her hair "You are hollow". A slight tear drops down through her eyes. I am hollow. She repeats on her mind. She recalls her conversation with Bonny.
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Maria: I am sorry, but I don't feel that way about you. May be not a million times but I have said it enough times why don't you understand?

Bonny: Because I like you and I cannot stop myself from caring about you. I feel like we have this connection. I have this hope I want to hold onto. May be if I could show you my heart then you could see that I am mad about you. I have tried to stop caring and just move on. But, every time I do, I fall for you harder.

Maria feels sad as she recalls this conversation. She has told Bonny she has no romantic feelings. Somehow, Bonny does not accept it. Bonny is hoping they have a chance of having a happy ending.

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All she wants is a company of a true friend. A friend who does not bitch about you behind your back. A friend who cares about you because they just do. A friend who is not expecting any romantic endeavours from you. A friend who is there just to be your friend. She just wants someone to come into her life to stay. To stay in her good times and her bad ones. To stay so they can laugh about the old days in old years.

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I care about you. As a friend, I care about you. I want you to stay. As a friend, I want you to stay. I am sorry I am too friendly for my own good. May be my nature presents myself as interested. How wrong but that is. I am not doing fine.
With this thoughts on her mind, she stops abruptly. Abruptly because she sees some eyes staring into her mind. Like someone is reading through her lines. She stops. No she cannot explain. No, nobody understands. Its tragic to be in a one sided love. Its even more tragic at times to be on the other side of the story of one sided love. You care about them, and you know they wont stay. You cannot ask them to stay cause that would be too selfish. You don't feel a thing because you are hollow. Nothing romantic on your side. And you are sad to realise may be you are loosing someone that really cared for you.

But stop. Please stop. This is a one way traffic. Its a single handshaking. Its apple and not strawberry.

Hollow Emotion Part 1


I listen to love songs and cry. I cry because it feels so much. I cry because I start making stories on my head. I am writing story for someone else. Placing myself in the position of my character, I cry. I imagine.

I have been living in my imaginations for so long. I have my own world. Coming into reality is just too depressing. I fear I can never feel the same way again. Without the fear of being judged, without the fear of being criticized or feeling stupid, I haven’t loved for a long time now.

Sometimes I cry by the attention I get. Because they give me so much care and I give nothing in return. I have nothing to give. I am so empty. I have become so hollow. I was sitting and pondering why, when I have people in my life who shows they care, I cannot respond with similar emotion.