Trivial fear

Deep. Its deep. The emotion that is controlling me right now is deep. I am feeling some anxiety, fear, insecurity. I am scared.

"I dont love you"

"I am sorry but i never loved you like......"

Her words are echoing through me deep. Deep.

Through this abandoned and outmoded park i see a setting sun. A deep tenebrous shade of red has beseiged the clouds. The tree above me is hallowing in pain or is it screaming dance of joy? I am staring at the horizon.

"Damn I am a man, for God's sake stop. Please." -I tell myself. I cant find a tissue, who carries it anyway?

They are not stopping. "What the fish? "

I travelled some pretty miles, crossed some pretty villages , climbed some pretty tough hills , hungry as hell but no appetite, all this hardship so that voice would stop echoing through my whole body, those memories of her would estrange from my heart but these tears of pain are the only thing besides my body sweat that has estranged from my body leaving me dehydrated. 

I loved her. For once in my life i loved someone with all my heart. For once in my life i let go to fall deep.  For once in my life i wanted to feel love. 

From the very early age i could feel and tell that my mother just didnot care. There was no value of my being to her or to my father. I was just a responsibilty they probably detested to fulfill. 

The last time we three sat together to eat was 9 years ago, On my 10th birthday. That was the last day of me seeking affection from them. Now they are at two different corners of the world and i am where i was always.

Life is so atrocious, isnt it?

She promised me of love but drained me and left me.

The hardest part is realizing what we had , how we were , isnot what we are now. Infact there is no we anymore. 

Fudge i had even started to pray again just for her. I was seeing my dreams , my future , my happiness , my life with her probably why i got so blinded that i couldnot see........

"I am sorry but she never loved him like the way he loved her".Thats how she chose to confess to me.  Yeah right my sweets like you ever loved me anyway. She  couldnot even say it " i never loved you" directly to me.

Because love just doesnt die as easy as hers did.

 And with those words of her i was back into the darkness. Back into where i was, into my solitude. 

Few days ago, her status on facebook was 

"Enjoying so much with friends" .

I sent a like. She was online. 

Was she talking to some other guy? Is she seeing someone already? May be not,Unavoidable it is though. She will eventually fall for someone. But just even thinking of her liking someone else kills me. And she never loved me anyway. She was never mine to love so why am i so scared of losing something i never had?

Love is a privileage i cannot afford . I am broken beyond repair. 

And the stars are out, the sun has died, the clouds are barging in, lightning then thunderstorm follows and follows deluge. 

I close my eyes as i wait to be bedraggled and be swallowed by the darkness as i close my eyes for the search of peace.