Insight through Words

My silence My shriek My violence My peace My laughter  Or my tears Is all me Defined and moulded By the comfort  By the environment By the people By the understanding May be i am weak. But at times i just want to leave every bondage, A thought everyone gets once or twice or may be more often. Chatterbox, agressive. Yet i cannot speak, or convince or explain. When i am really hurt, I chose silence over everything. When i am really angry, I chose violence over everything. Voilence with words. Wrong words. Words i don't mean. When someone misunderstands, I chose hurt over explanation.

I remember the time exactly , which inflicted this dread for this day. It wasnt anything huge. Yet i dont understand the effects of it that hasnt faded away, being more worse with passing year. My composition, my thoughts, my behaviour everything shouts for SOS. To wish you were never born, to wish you never existed, the self realization of no worthy achievement, the realization of a life that has been useless.  I wish i could erase this day from my life. I dread the phone calls, the texts of a "happy birthday" wish. A year gone with no self satisfying achievement. I am where i was years from today. The same nagging, the same ...... Loathe.  Hate. Why so? I am bound.  I cannot change i cannot choose. I cannot explain. I cannot console. I cannot forget.  Could i forgive? Whom?  Myself? Why? For my laziness.

Starry skies Some shine yellow bright Some are dim white Some have formed shapes While some are companionless Pitch dark the night is Black shades form fifty Tapping water from the tank or tap From Faraway comes the sound of the dancing beck Around are multi-colored flowers And are around huts so pretty Across the bare field standing alone Yet companies me a dog erratically barking Now I start feeling the cold  Shivering through my spine Some hikers are already deep asleep While some are committing fun crimes And Some I hear whispering as I walk past  Barks of dog and overflowing water  Sounds of the river and the cold windy dark night Shivering I go to sleep, turns are cold  And awake is my sleep Its early morning Pitch dark changes by time its shades Taking deep breathe of air so cold I open my eyes to a view of gold Machaphhuchre and Annapurna 3 Reflecting sunlight from it's golden acme ...

 I look at mirror  Somedays i look pretty Is there a mirror to look through me? If there was a mirror to see one's heart Somedays mine would be ugly Because i laugh too loud, threaten everyone around Yet with so much noise Can't express my friendship  I joke when i shouldn't I joke when noone is doing so And when joking is everyone's cue Serious talk takes me through I confuse myself with own's action What i say, what i do, what i feel and worse are the viewer's reaction Lol, but i am doing anything but laughing "Were you awake all night? Hahaha lol" But i wasnt being apathetic So hard to explain, i am not an ignorant So much it means, the relation of good friendship I can't explain either, i am an ignorant At times i don't reply because thats my condition A condition of wanting to be alone When cloistered are your emotions I can't explain that i am not an ignorant Forgive me friend, i hurt you too many times Weird is this girl, driven by c...

She was a black cat. Pregnant at that unfortunate moment. Being black , was that her mistake? A witch as people often like to call to one similar to her.  Or the fact she lived with us? Who knows but those decent people? Why? Such a hideous act? I don’t know. Her bones in the back were broken, her unborn kittens fell off her womb, eating was a far-fetched story she couldn’t event excrete. It wasn’t enough until on another unfortunate day someone murdered her. And to this day it comes, again those little speechless (or at least a speech we devious human don’t deserve to understand), innocent little kitten of mine were attacked. He wasn’t black in colour! Oh no. But he limbs today. I can’t allay his pain or his fear. He is scared to come near to any human. He doesn’t understand. God help me, may I never crave for someone’s flesh. No I don’t believe to ever be served justice from this society but if karma exist! Oh I want to curse, my heart is pained, but my ethics don’t teach m...

Depression. Its a serious disease. And has to be treated.  A friend of mine had discussed about it with me a long time ago. She told me that like our physical wound, our mentail illness has to be treated too. Its not madness. Its normal. How to recognize depression? I dont know. There are lots of research and papers we can read online. And we can also schedule ourself an appointment. There are even apps and test to help us indentify depression. Today i want to share my story briefly. All so i can fight my current state too. I dont know what depression is. I dont know what my current state is.  But i can feel so much of negativity inside of me. I took a test and i got a mild score. I know if i stay for few more days like this, my state will get worse. I skipped futsal. And i skipped swimming. And i stayed alone these two days. And my condition has only gotten worse by now. And as worse it gets, as worse i make. I dont talk to anyone. I dont eat. ...

Lifeless am i? Laying down On my bed I cant move I can see I cant hear Thoughts have conjested A cup of tea i ask Nd a bed to sleep And let me live in peace 12 inch washing tub Placed in my bedroom  I have shame but had no washroom So let me live in peace So the other day i text ya know? My bunch of people I tell em am tensed got some problem at work Ya know they were tensed equally? Alas not a lil trace of it for me , shoot. Why are you scared? Did you do something wrong? Am only human, too much on my mind, you only add to my pain Oh my mother don't know But she has nothing to worry about She asks me to help her But i cant move a feet She is tired of physical pain I am tired of my thoughts At nights i awoke, there was a fight i had to win Asked for help And now the enemy is butchering me My body lies in my bed Lifeless I cant move a feet I can only see My heart is so heavy Weaving thoughts and we...