Friday, November 3, 2017

Black Friday

In a constant debate of writing or not writing about today, you can tell i decided to write anyway. Today is one of the worst days of my life.
Let me just recall my day first so I can explain why its one of the worst days ever.
My day starts with "constant" struggle of sleeping few more mins and waking up. I then quickly change and head for washroom, where i remember (this happens almost everyday) i have forgotten my morning medicines. I take my meds, then head for Puja room and start doing the chores there. Lemme tell you, just getting everything ready to start puja takes around an hour. And this is a daily routine. So lets skip to the part of me heading to office, almost everyday without having any breakfast. This routine of mine makes me hungry when I reach my workplace. Since today is Friday, our canteen runs out of bakery items. Therefore, I decided to head down to the nearest bakery store and buy myself some breakfast. As I was returning back, the vehicles were stuck in red light( stop, don't go signal of traffic police). The zebra crossing, hardly visible , had a crowd of vehicles. As i was crossing the road I saw a man checking out my chest. It made me so conscious I quickly rechecked to confirm that my dress wasn't showing up anything revealing. With all this thoughts and more on my mind suddenly I hear a woman's shriek. This woman, as most of us, had flouted traffic rules and was coming from the wrong lane, and as all of us do, wasn't even slowing down on the zebra crossing.
My mistake was I did not think twice that I should be conscious of my right side of the road as well even if I am already on the other side of the lane.
I must say I was pretty lucky the accident wasn't any serious. I know many ways of how this could have gone worse yet that is least of my worry. You may think this is why today became one of the worst day of my life but that would have been easy.
I am the type of person who has to share even the slightest of the incidents that happens in my life. But today I had no one I wanted to share this with. In fact, I felt so hollow post the incident. Hollow because I know no one is worth sharing this. That is why I had my internal debate about writing this in my blog because I know some of you might read this.
I made myself busy today with work. My mind was busy thinking about others. I was wishing my one friend stayed away from my other friend because I don't trust him to be a good life partner material. I was thinking of how some of my friends should focus more on their personal and career development rather than roam around wasting their time. I can't stop not thinking for others. I should not interfere in their life, let them deal with it, trust them with it. May be I am not interfering physically but Mentally? Darn, I should STOP. No matter how well my intentions are sometimes i should stop thinking for others. I should focus on me today. Shouldn't I? My problem should be why I am not pondering over "What if the bike had hit me and I would have at worst case died? SO WHAT IN LIFE SHOULD I IMMEDIATELY START DOING AND CHANGING?". Is My change isolation?
Isolation, solitude , alone time are all good if you keep your thoughts in check. Alas, worst if your thoughts keep you in play.
My thoughts make me feel alone even when I am surrounded. My blog is being darker and darker. I want to write poems not this. I want to write poems about being in love, about giving love. I miss that emotion, that flow of thoughts. Even if it pained, it kept me warm.
I think of my cat. Her last moments. Almost everyday. I relive that night, Helplessness. Mistake. Carelessness. She could have been saved.
I think of my dog. May be he is in a better place too. I miss him silently. I miss him in my heart.
All the things I shared with my friends, I do it all alone.
I lost my cat and my dog this year.  With them i lost a very large bit of my heart. The bits that had some emotions are becoming hollow.  I want to feel. I want to care. I care even today. But I want to care with happy emotions......
I want to ponder..............
I want to be strong.........
I want to write poems....
I want to radiate happiness.............
I want to be everything that I was once.
I was loud and happy. I am just loud today.
I was childish but happy. I am still kiddish, just not happy.
I was careless but enjoyed. I am careless and hate it.