Insight through Words

In a constant debate of writing or not writing about today, you can tell i decided to write anyway. Today is one of the worst days of my life. Let me just recall my day first so I can explain why its one of the worst days ever. My day starts with "constant" struggle of sleeping few more mins and waking up. I then quickly change and head for washroom, where i remember (this happens almost everyday) i have forgotten my morning medicines. I take my meds, then head for Puja room and start doing the chores there. Lemme tell you, just getting everything ready to start puja takes around an hour. And this is a daily routine. So lets skip to the part of me heading to office, almost everyday without having any breakfast. This routine of mine makes me hungry when I reach my workplace. Since today is Friday, our canteen runs out of bakery items. Therefore, I decided to head down to the nearest bakery store and buy myself some breakfast. As I was returning back, the vehicles were stuck...

Following is a page from a diary of a 21-year-old geek guy named John Doe that I am sharing with you said Miss Lou. Miss Lou: "Amy will you please pass the hands out to the whole class." I turn over the page. It reads out as so: " Infinite loop. It’s not a very uncommon word in my field. Today I want to dedicate my post to explain what is infinite loop and how I relate to it. Infinite loop means going around and round the same iteration in a never-ending circle.  "I hate my life. Yet I realize life is precious. It’s amazing. It’s wonderful and we should be thankful. I love my life. Yet I hate my life." Above is an illustration of an infinite loop. I am doing things I don't want to do. I am bound to things I don't want to be bound to. I feel responsible yet it's not how I imagine being responsible. And I fucking hate my life. I feel so suffocated. I feel so trapped. I don't even have my wings coz it’s been chopped off. I am goin...

Its not greatness to keep quite , to keep silence. I did lot many times. So much that it killed me inside. It made me cold. I sealed my mouth but my face always gave it away. Its so easy to talk nonsense yet so so very hard to talk about things that actually needs to be shared. Our heart needs it. It need to release the burden of hurt. Our mind needs to release the chain of thoughts. But why is it so hard to share your dark secrets, your insecurities, your weakness, your vulnerability? Because people mock you, people use you for your weakness, they take advantage over your insecurities and they judge you on your darkness. I did a lot of "keep quite about how I felt, shut the world, don't talk to anyone". And when people forcefully talked to me every word I uttered would come out so rude. Truth is I'm still trying a lot. Struggling a lot. I have come a long way though. Not every word I utter comes out rude now.  I hated being a third wheel, I hated being use...

I don't know what to write because all I am thinking of is if I can do it. I know I won't do it. I know I cannot do it but only if there was an easy way, may be i would have been writing the last lines. May be. I have tried to make things normal. But i cannot fight against all the negativity this person has piled up in all this years. I dont blame this person. I know their struggle is real. But this negativity is eating me. This darkness is ruining me. Their brain makes things up. Or am i really so harsh? Everything is falling apart and i cannot put it all together.  There is only one person who is taking me seriously. Thank you for letting me vent. Thank you for being there coz its so hard to share and no one really cares. Its hard to make people understand. Even if I am the one wrong, you let me vent. Thank you.

When you start depending on people you become a leech. A nuisance to other while unsurvivable without other. I always held my upfront loud nature as a detrimental reality but today I know, what I am is at least out as a reality to everyone and I have no shocking sides that'll shock or hurt anyone. I don't lie coz I can't shut my routine. Sometimes you don't need help but it's a good feeling if someone offers. Last but not the least: Your fears and all your insecurities will haunt you.  This world, this universe conspires to make your fear a reality. Some soul touch you and Some lessons you learn. Bitter. Sweet. Sour. But you learn. They say Trust no one because even your shadow betrays. It's one of those days when you realize the meaning of such heavy sentence. And if it's same at the end, I would rather hurt for someone I seek rather than the other way around. I am happy as I am. And sometimes the reasons are not enough to ...

Kasto thyo Jivan  Kasto vaeko cha Astitwa afno feri kornu pareko cha Korera matra hunna raecha Jivan ma Tara Ladera pani feri uthnu raecha jivan  Sajilo cha yaha manusya lai vanna Parda afulai garo raecha jivan Afai sangai ladnu garo raecha jivan Ladi ladi feri uthne yei raecha jivan Bujhna kosai ko man chaina sajilo Man vitra ko kura dekhaunu uti Pida Vanamla maile kehi bujhaula kehi aru Kura nabujhda chitta dukhne yo jivan Nasoche ko ghatna hunu nai raecha jivan Ladi ladi feri uthne yei raecha jivan Sadhai eutai kata hudo raecha jivan Hasera Tara bachnu nai yo jivan

So many times in life, we redefine ourselves by the presence of something or someone. To me that redefinition came when my grandma gave us a cat. Cat until that daywere scary and weird to me. I remember that day, my brother, who obviously knew about cats and loved them too, was playing  with and feeding milk to that one month old four legged weird creature. She was crying, as she was far from home. Her mother had died after giving birth to them. My dog, as expected didn't show liking to these new development. He barked at her. For first 3 days she would often hide herself from vunte, my dog. But as the days progressed that little creature grew dominant on vuntu and in my heart as well. Cats purr. It such a natural phenomenon. But if you are amongst the one who don't know about it. you will get scared. My dog never purred. "What is wrong with my girl? Is she ill?" was the first reaction of me and my mom. Me and my mom, we both always fought at night on who will get t...