Over the years, I have become a very complicated person. As I am getting wise and complex, I am having difficulty jelling with another person. Making new friends or even keeping with existing ones have at times become very hard as I start realizing how different our thought processes and our perspective on life have become over the age. My friends from PG to me do not appeal with their take on animal equality and their complete ignorance on that matter overall. However, they are still equally dear to me as they were. But they just do not give me the peace of mind I seek.
For a long time I have wondered if this was normal. For a long time I have worried if I am becoming that lady who is rude or too hard to get along with. For a long time I guess I was fighting between "Be kind no matter what" vs "Dont put up with anyone's shit". It is very hard for me to share my feelings or open up about my actual emotions. Yes my expressions do give away my mood, but what really is happening inside my mind and my heart is very hard to share and therefore more than often I come off as someone very moody. May be it's true too. May be I am moody but may be I am very sensitive about smallest matters.
It matters to me when your friends bitch behind your back about the same insecurities you were sharing them with, it matters to me that you insult me or belittle me, it matters to me if you ignore me, it matters to me just like it matters to most of us. And confrontation is the last thing I prefer doing. Therefore, 99% of the time I curl up everything inside of me and so it oozes out in the form of different emotions like anger, or sadness. However, whenever I have tried puting out my true feelings, I have messed it up pretty badly. Most of the time, I have the urge to just hide and sleep over my problems but I guess that is most of us. Instead of asking for what I deserve or what I should say I end up wishing I was non existent. I wish to cease to exist instead. I don't want to kill myself, I just don't want to exist anymore. Like I am tired of this cycle, this race, this failure that I am, that is how each bad encounter makes me feel. So.......
For a long time I have wondered if this was normal. For a long time I have worried if I am becoming that lady who is rude or too hard to get along with. For a long time I guess I was fighting between "Be kind no matter what" vs "Dont put up with anyone's shit". It is very hard for me to share my feelings or open up about my actual emotions. Yes my expressions do give away my mood, but what really is happening inside my mind and my heart is very hard to share and therefore more than often I come off as someone very moody. May be it's true too. May be I am moody but may be I am very sensitive about smallest matters.
It matters to me when your friends bitch behind your back about the same insecurities you were sharing them with, it matters to me that you insult me or belittle me, it matters to me if you ignore me, it matters to me just like it matters to most of us. And confrontation is the last thing I prefer doing. Therefore, 99% of the time I curl up everything inside of me and so it oozes out in the form of different emotions like anger, or sadness. However, whenever I have tried puting out my true feelings, I have messed it up pretty badly. Most of the time, I have the urge to just hide and sleep over my problems but I guess that is most of us. Instead of asking for what I deserve or what I should say I end up wishing I was non existent. I wish to cease to exist instead. I don't want to kill myself, I just don't want to exist anymore. Like I am tired of this cycle, this race, this failure that I am, that is how each bad encounter makes me feel. So.......
So yes may be I was thinking too much about it all. However, it has come late to me: disagreement doesn't mean you are not friends with them anymore, however if they disturb your peace , it may be time to take a step back for the time being and wishing to not exist is different from wishing to die.
Comments
Post a Comment