Insight through Words

So many times in life, we redefine ourselves by the presence of something or someone. To me that redefinition came when my grandma gave us a cat. Cat until that daywere scary and weird to me. I remember that day, my brother, who obviously knew about cats and loved them too, was playing  with and feeding milk to that one month old four legged weird creature. She was crying, as she was far from home. Her mother had died after giving birth to them. My dog, as expected didn't show liking to these new development. He barked at her. For first 3 days she would often hide herself from vunte, my dog. But as the days progressed that little creature grew dominant on vuntu and in my heart as well. Cats purr. It such a natural phenomenon. But if you are amongst the one who don't know about it. you will get scared. My dog never purred. "What is wrong with my girl? Is she ill?" was the first reaction of me and my mom. Me and my mom, we both always fought at night on who will get t...

Like I have said before "Love doesnt always like". You might love someone but not like them. You might love someone but love cannot force you into liking someone forever. And I'm constantly reminded of this to such extent that at times in the middle of the night I write about it. Coming to me time and again, making me wish How I was afar.  To be nagged of imaginary connections of things spoken or unspoken, of being a failure to bring any happiness, of being reminded of destroying all the hopes that were cast upon, being charged of crimes uncommitted, I fail. I fail to like. I fail to continue. I fail to bring a glimmer of hope. I cannot carry the burden of the "giving back big".  I cannot carry on seeing that  shrugged shoulder, that "I have no one who loves or cares" face, that "she failed me" look, the huge misunderstanding and the incompatability to ever empathize each other. The accusations dig more deeper holes. I am becoming shallow, ru...

A pang in my heart Baby where are you Silence is the sound I cant hear you Why don't you come here Will you come to me? Take me with you I could trust you to. Or set me free Please tell me the truth Why can't I let go Baby I cant hear you. Outside your old work place Past 409, when I last saw you, I pass it everyday, and remember you Set me free or fly me away Make me fool in love or fool who has lost her way Everyone has been calling me stupid And I know why. I wana see you Come atleast to say GoodBye. You are my sunshine. My Only sunshine.

My silence My shriek My violence My peace My laughter  Or my tears Is all me Defined and moulded By the comfort  By the environment By the people By the understanding May be i am weak. But at times i just want to leave every bondage, A thought everyone gets once or twice or may be more often. Chatterbox, agressive. Yet i cannot speak, or convince or explain. When i am really hurt, I chose silence over everything. When i am really angry, I chose violence over everything. Voilence with words. Wrong words. Words i don't mean. When someone misunderstands, I chose hurt over explanation.

I remember the time exactly , which inflicted this dread for this day. It wasnt anything huge. Yet i dont understand the effects of it that hasnt faded away, being more worse with passing year. My composition, my thoughts, my behaviour everything shouts for SOS. To wish you were never born, to wish you never existed, the self realization of no worthy achievement, the realization of a life that has been useless.  I wish i could erase this day from my life. I dread the phone calls, the texts of a "happy birthday" wish. A year gone with no self satisfying achievement. I am where i was years from today. The same nagging, the same ...... Loathe.  Hate. Why so? I am bound.  I cannot change i cannot choose. I cannot explain. I cannot console. I cannot forget.  Could i forgive? Whom?  Myself? Why? For my laziness.

Starry skies Some shine yellow bright Some are dim white Some have formed shapes While some are companionless Pitch dark the night is Black shades form fifty Tapping water from the tank or tap From Faraway comes the sound of the dancing beck Around are multi-colored flowers And are around huts so pretty Across the bare field standing alone Yet companies me a dog erratically barking Now I start feeling the cold  Shivering through my spine Some hikers are already deep asleep While some are committing fun crimes And Some I hear whispering as I walk past  Barks of dog and overflowing water  Sounds of the river and the cold windy dark night Shivering I go to sleep, turns are cold  And awake is my sleep Its early morning Pitch dark changes by time its shades Taking deep breathe of air so cold I open my eyes to a view of gold Machaphhuchre and Annapurna 3 Reflecting sunlight from it's golden acme ...

 I look at mirror  Somedays i look pretty Is there a mirror to look through me? If there was a mirror to see one's heart Somedays mine would be ugly Because i laugh too loud, threaten everyone around Yet with so much noise Can't express my friendship  I joke when i shouldn't I joke when noone is doing so And when joking is everyone's cue Serious talk takes me through I confuse myself with own's action What i say, what i do, what i feel and worse are the viewer's reaction Lol, but i am doing anything but laughing "Were you awake all night? Hahaha lol" But i wasnt being apathetic So hard to explain, i am not an ignorant So much it means, the relation of good friendship I can't explain either, i am an ignorant At times i don't reply because thats my condition A condition of wanting to be alone When cloistered are your emotions I can't explain that i am not an ignorant Forgive me friend, i hurt you too many times Weird is this girl, driven by c...